Thank God for children who have to go outside and play. I would otherwise have kept myself safely at home all day. As it is, I spent as much time as I could manage at the playground with them. I love my kids, and I know that they need their mom to be present one hundred percent. I therefore mustered up all the inner strength that I had available and at least acted like a mom. I turned the jump rope and played the limbo game. I cheered them as they giggled and rolled down the hill...and I did that for as long as I could hang on.
Today, I just have to "stay out of my head" (if that makes any sense). I am afraid that if I think too much, I will just be obsessing about cutting. So I have tried to reach out to people so that I could have casual interactions with them and, basically, "stay out of my head". I asked my cousin to accompany me to the park, but she was busy and invited me to dinner at her house instead. I don't think I will make that. It seems like it will require way too much emotional energy (husbands, kids and boyfriends will be present...too much to handle).
I also invited my friend, who has four children with whom my kids love to play. It would have been nice to just sit at the park and chat with her while the kids played...but I guess she could not come.
I am home now, exhausted from the effort of acting "normal" in front of the children. My little one is waiting for me to work on a school project with her, but I told them I needed a few minutes of "down time". I guess I need to recuperate and rebuild so that I can go put on my front again.
I do not want to open that bedroom door. I want to stay here sequestered, face hidden in hands.
Could I cut now? Just one cut? Just a few seconds removed from reality. My God, the electric rush!
I'm an addict, and I hate myself for it. I am so ashamed of myself. I feel dirty and wrong and all sorts of incompetent.
I wouldn't dare to cut now, would I? Not with the kids around. I think I have fallen low enough.
I need to get my shit together and go be a mom!
A couple of random thoughts:
ReplyDelete.Alone, Solitude, Loneliness...the population is the same. The latter probably isnot good for the spirit.
.A friend once told me that his dad told him: "I don't care what you do; but do something.", meaning don't sit and brood. Came across this just today in a book that I have begun: "Industry (being busy) is the enemy of melancholy."
Maybe not too much time alone just now. And find gratifying ways of being busy> (?)