The Dragons

"It's important to name the dragons", said my therapist during a previous session.

The dragons...those are my fears...the monsters...those things that keep me paralyzed. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. I fear the custody battle.
2. I fear that my husband will find this blog.
3. I fear rocking this boat so violently that we would all drown and perish at the hands of the sea monster under the raging churning waters of a storm that may not pass...and it would all be my doing.
4. I fear the children may take his side.

I am terribly afraid of going through a custody battle. I fear that custody would be granted in the exact opposite manner of what I would want. In this marriage I could leave EVERYTHING...except my children. I am afraid that he would take advantage of this vulnerability if he were aware of it.

If my husband discovers my blog, then he may take the fears and vulnerabilities that I expose here and use them as a weapon against me. His aim would be to hurt.

Life will never be the same after a divorce, but what if it is not necessarily for the better? What if none of us ever recover? What if we are not OK?

I don't want to turn my children against my husband; they need to continue to love him as they always have. I also do not want them to turn against me. I do not know how they will react to the news that Mom does not want to live with Daddy anymore. They are too young for me to explain to them the truth about his behavior. All they see is his current display of "affection"...and my reluctance to reciprocate. They don't see the ugliness inside of him. They think that I'm always just angry at him. I am afraid that they will blame me for the pain that a separation will cause and that he will continue to emphasize that it was not his choice.

These are my dragons - named and exposed, not for the purpose of doing anything about them but just for the sake of naming them. I don't know what comes next. Perhaps just seeing these monsters on the page makes them less frightening. For now, I am simply paralyzed by them.

Where are the Other Bozos?

"We're all bozos on the bus,

so we might as well sit back and enjoy the ride."

- Wavy Gravy

I don't know exactly what to write about...just that I need to write. Do I still feel completely exposed writing in this blog? Yes. Yet I require the writing...and I long for the feedback and the support. Yes, I am afraid that my husband will purposely hack into my account and invade all my private thoughts and emotions.

Yet, I feel trapped in my fear. I am surrounded by it, isolating myself within the walls that grow increasingly taller and thicker. It is becoming ever more difficult to reach out, and I feel more and more alone. My family is preoccupied with a bigger problem than mine and although they continue to be attentive to my safety and well-being, I feel that I am only adding to the tremendous burden that has suddenly been laid upon all of us. I call to offer them support, avoiding any reference to my own situation and needs.

...but really, I just want to talk to someone. I want to sit down with someone who gets it and spill my heart out. I want to tell them about everything that scares me and everything that angers me and drives me. I want to hear from them that they feel or have felt the same way...and that things will work out. We will all eventually heal. I want to find the other bozos on the bus.

I suppose I should explain the last sentence. In one of the chapters of her book Broken Open, Elizabeth Lesser talks about the clown and social activist Wavy Gravy and some of his quotes. The one at the beginning of this post refers to the idea that we all, at some point in our lives, have felt the same insecurities and have shared the same imperfections, yet we walk around guarding and holding on to these hurts as if we are the only ones who have ever felt this way and everyone else must have a beautiful golden life. In reality, we are all bozos on the same bus, and as soon as we realize this, we can dispense with the pretenses and open up to the other bozos who may be able to share a part of journey with us.

I just want to know where that bus is, because in this small town where I live, I still feel like I'm the only passenger on this bus.