Shouting My Truth

Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up
Before the sprinklers come on
Talking' bout'
Girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on?

 

(from Take a Bow, Rihanna)

This was today...calling me at work...repeating how much he loves me...letting me know that he is going to see an attorney, not because he wants to but because he has no choice. Talking about how he wants our marriage to work in a way that makes me happy. REALLY???

 

Normally, I would remain silent upon hearing these words...in order to not summon painful emotions...in order to not make a scene at work.

 

...but I didn't care today. I wanted to shout out my truth. I spoke to him in the back aisle of the pharmacy. When he called again, I spoke to him at my station...in the open...with the new technician standing beside me waiting her turn to ask me a question. I didn't care who knew, I was tired of holding it in. I told him I could not believe that he loved me based on the way he had been treating me, and I was no longer interested in being treated that way. Everything that he told me, I had heard so many times before. It all truly sounded like a re-run. I cannot live like that anymore.

 

All this, however, took an emotional toll on me. I am drained. I called my therapist, and he helped me finish my work day. I had been shaking and on the verge of tears after each exchange my husband. Tonight, the ice on my wrists brought me so much relief. I physically relaxed, and I could feel the tension in my head ease...my headache nearly disappear.

 

It wasn't cutting...just a really good substitute.



Served

Today I handed my husband our separation papers. I did not have the sheriff serve him, nor did I allow my attorney's office to mail them to him. I laid them on his desk myself and let him know that they were there. I wanted him to know that I am not afraid.

Today is a day of tremendous accomplishment for me...a dream day. I dare to feel proud of myself.

Vacation Bible School

Jesus loves me!
This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak but He is strong.

 

(from Jesus Loves me, Anna B. Warner)

 



Day 1 Lesson: Jesus loves me even if I am weird.

Day 2 Lesson: Jesus loves me even if I am frustrated.

Day 3 Lesson: Jesus loves me even if I do wrong.

Day 4 Lesson: Jesus loves me even if I am scared.

 

Vacation Bible School. Does that exist anywhere else but in the South? Until I moved here thirteen years ago, I had never heard of such a beast! Because I am Catholic and I had never such much as heard the phrase uttered, I assumed it must be a Protestant thing.

 

...It isn't. Vacation Bible School (or VBS, as the locals call it) is the biggest God party...EVER...just for kids. And the Catholics down here have it too! For one week, the kids show up in their shorts and flip flops, hair still stringy wet from having spent the afternoon swimming, ready to sing, dance and rejoice. There are crafts, there are games, and there are skits that help illustrate the take home lesson of the day. The list above is what my children learned this week.

 

They started participating last summer, when my little one was finally old enough to attend with her sister. Every night when I picked them up, they were elated, rejuvenated, ecstatic!

 

That was last year...this year something was missing. When I took them on the first day, they seemed subdued, somewhat heavy. My kids looked sad.

 

I felt guilty...responsible for casting a cloud upon them. I wondered if they felt like I felt - undeserving of all the joy around them. Different from all the apparently happy families...who stay together. Unsure if we even belong in this celebration.

 

I don't know exactly what brought them down on that first day, but they must have learned their lessons well. They learned that Jesus loves them even if they are weird...different from everyone else. Jesus loves them even if they are frustrated by their helplessness in their parents' relationship. Jesus loves them even if they feel like they are wrong for feeling the way they feel. Jesus loves them even if they are scared of what their lives will be like when their parents are no longer together.

 

By the time I picked them up on the last day, they were singing enthusiastically and dancing on the stage. They looked radiant and filled with peace and love. I watched them dance and sway as they sang "Jesus Loves Me", and I tried not to cry...because I knew that the lessons were for me also.

They Never Saw It

Already I am beginning to feel different...different than the other mothers who are married. I have begun to tell the mothers of some of my children's friends...because they have heard it from their children, who heard it from my children and their mothers did not believe them.

"I'm so sorry", the tell me quietly and painfully, "I never would have imagined".

They could not see it. They could not see my pain and my sadness. They could not see the years of hurt. I played my part so well. I hosted the playdates, I attended the dinner parties, I carpooled, I went to the meetings, I volunteered and I chaperoned field trips...and I did it all with a smile. Of course I did; I was always happy when I was with the other mothers.

Now I am opening a window and allowing them to look inside. I am no longer pretending. "Yes, it is true", I told one mother today. "What my daughter said to your daughter is right. We are moving to your neighborhood...just the girls and me. Come, follow me, and I will show you the house where we will live."

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

I don't care
What they're going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

 

(from Let It Go, Idina Menzel)