Mother's Love

Last week, I went to see my mother. I drove for two days with my daughters behind me...another girls' adventure...until I finally rested in her presence. This homecoming was not to the house where I grew up, but to the place where she lives...truly home.

The plan had been to stay with her, dine with her, retire with her, wake with her. I wanted to repose in her comfort. I had been so tired. My older brother, however, unknowingly stole that from me. He had married and moved back to our native country some years ago and had returned a month prior to my arrival to visit with and take care of my mother and our suddenly stranded young sister-in-law. My girls and I stayed in a hotel just a few minutes away.

Still, I enjoyed her. After breakfast at the hotel restaurant overlooking American Airline's landing runway, we went to her and I took my place in her small kitchen while my daughters entertained themselves with books, movies, Wii games, or making fun of their uncle. Our talks started small, as I helped myself to the plate of freshly cut mangos picked a few days ago from a friend's backyard or a ridiculously sweet orange purchased from the fruit cart that comes around the neighborhood about once a week.

Gradually, our conversation would move amoeba-like into larger topics...my new peace and freedom, my husband's reluctance to let go, my children's adjustment, her writing, my little brother's unspeakable pain. Afterwards, my girls and I would head out for our daily outing, sometimes with my older brother and his wife (who arrived a couple of days after we did) and sometimes just the three of us. In the evening we would return to find the apartment smelling of my childhood...every night a traditionally home-cooked dish from the cuisine of our country. I wanted to melt into her warmth...the aroma of her care, for this is how she loves. This is how she tends to those in need...she cooks.

I cleaned up after dinner, as I had done as a child, and our night turned into more conversation and board games with the children. Late into the night, I would reluctantly gather up the girls and make the eight minute drive to the hotel, all of us finally sinking into beds overstuffed with fluffy pillows hours past our bedtime.

...but it was vacation, and I drank my fill of mother's love.

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes... and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you won't bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love, I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down!

 

(Defying Gravity, as performed by Lea Michele and Chris Colfer, Glee)

Last Sunday, June 29th, I left my husband. I packed up what was mine and my children's, and we moved to our own home.

It is true what I have heard other women say about the day they finally take that step. Nothing compares to the pride and sense of accomplishment that you feel when you turn that key and open that door for the first time or the sense of peace and safety that you feel when you close and lock that door for your first night of undisturbed deep sleep...it is, indeed, all true.

Those of you who have been reading and accompanying me while I stumble through this rocky, dusty journey know how much courage it took for me to come to this decision last October and how much more courage it has taken for me to stand my ground and follow through with my resolve. I can hardly believe that I am standing here!

I can never go back...this peace feels too good! I have defied gravity, and I feel like there is nothing that can bring me down. I am flying free, and I feel beautiful. If it is his love that I am losing, then it truly came at much to high a cost. Living in a constant state of hurt, pain and uncertainty is just not acceptable. Kiss me goodbye.

Thank you to all who have read and commented, as well to those who have just read. Your companionship and support through so many dark days and moments of doubt has carried me through. My writing and your response to it has been an integral part of my survival through this process. I hope you will continue to read...I am anticipating some brighter posts in the future :)