Please, Nobody Read This

Tonight, I feel the need to bash myself, to harm myself, to punish and hate myself. I tried to counteract this with a cup of ice for my wrists and a warm bubble bath for the rest of my body.

Those worked to curb the urges, but the feelings still remain...so I'm writing...in order to understand.

For the first time in the history of this blog, I hope that no one reads this post, because I am going to be as candid as possible so that I can understand.

I can't unwrap myself from the from the feeling that I am bad, that I have done bad things, and that I should be punished. I am nauseated by the things I do in order to "keep the peace".

I don't always feel this way, but tonight I am feeling pretty dragging-in-the-gutter worthless. Somewhere out there, there is a higher part of my mind telling me that this is not true...of course it isn't true, but that's not the point. Right now, I can't reconcile that higher knowledge with the deep down gut slime that I feel inside.

Please, nobody read this.

I want to be on the floor hurting and punishing myself for being such a slime. Ughh. I'm not a slime, but why do I feel like one?

This isn't working. I still feel shitty, and tomorrow I will probably regret publishing this post. Please, nobody read this.

I Need to Talk

I've been sort of keeping it safe during therapy lately. I guess I've been afraid to have a really emotionally heavy session and then come home and feel like curling up into a ball. I have been overwhelmed with the responsibilities and work that my recent move has brought on, and I suppose I feel like I can't afford to come home and fall apart...so I keep it safe...but I need to talk.

Last night, as I struggled to fall asleep, I decided that I needed to at least write about the things that I need to talk about. Perhaps seeing the words on the screen, on the blog, will help me to stop hiding from them.

This is what I need to talk about:

1. My older brother is probably going to be in town for Christmas to visit his son. He will probably want to/expect to/assume he can stay at my house. I need help.
2. Why am I dragging my feet on replying to my lawyer's email? It's time.
3. Those damned fears. Just when I think I have them figured out, I get caught off guard by another trigger. This time it was the water. Normally, it's the darkness. It was daytime when I drove across the low bridge where the water came up incredibly close to the bridge. The lake was like glass that morning, and the view of the trees in their fall bloom was stunning...Yet, I panicked. Out of nowhere, I found myself tightly gripping the steering wheel and alternating between a flashback to a swampy place of my childhood and the gorgeous scenery where I truly was. In order to bring myself back as I drove across the bridge, I told myself to look at the gorgeous view. It was the kind that I would normally marvel at and take in. It's time for EMDR again.