I Don't Cut Anymore

I don't cut anymore...it's what I tell myself. I haven't done it in so long that I really want to believe it.

I don't cut...just a little ice sometimes...when I'm very agitated...or when the thoughts of it start to become concrete.

...like tonight...I didn't cut...I just iced my wrist until the numbness felt like electricity through my hand. I breathed deeply several times and felt myself calm down. It works...I don't know why, but it works.

I'm not exactly clear on why these thoughts returned to me tonight. It happened while I was feeling claustrophobic in my STBX's vehicle while on our way to see a Christmas light show with the kids. I had said that it felt a little chilly inside, so he turned the heat up some...but just a degree or so too high. My sinuses are congested from a cold, and it was difficult to breathe the dry warm air. I started to feel like I would suffocate...the same feeling I get when I feel trapped in a small or crowded space. I considered opening my window but imagined that he had the child safety locks on like he had in his previous vehicle. I didn't want to ask him to open the window for me, but I was afraid to push the button and find that the window would not open...that would have just put me in panic mode.

So I spent some time "talking myself down" - telling myself that there was plenty of air to breathe and that I was not trapped in the vehicle...and visualizing a blade across my wrist.

I do not cut anymore.