His Gun

I don't know why my husband did not know that my stepfather had owned a gun.

This is the gun that he used to shoot and kill my grandmother and shoot my mother and confine her to a wheelchair. I suppose it never came up in conversation. It sufficed him to know what my stepfather had done. He never asked where the gun came from.

The gun came from our house, his bedroom I suppose. I never knew where he kept it. This is the gun that he took with him in the van the day (one of the days) that he fought with my mother. I think he would have killed her that day. She came back bruised up.

This is the gun that he took with him in the van the day (one of the days) that he took me for a ride. He tried to teach me to shoot it... I refused to shoot it.

I shut my eyes very, very tight when I remember the rides. No, I don't want to remember the rides. When I remember, I feel it in my chest. I close my eyes very, very tight, because this is not the time to remember.

These memories just appeared today...for some reason while I was driving.