I'm afraid of the night again. I'm afraid to be in my room - not because anything has happened in there, but because it is the place where I sleep. This used to be a nightly occurrence when I was in my twenties. I dreaded the night; I dreaded the bed; I was afraid of the dark (I still am).
I feel that way again. I am writing in the sun room, instead of my bedroom tonight. As I fell asleep last night, I clenched my fists as tight as I could. It did not feel so much like I was making a fist, but more like I was trying to hold something in, keep something protected. I have felt like that all afternoon today. I would like to just curl myself up into a ball and hold myself in as tight as possible.
My restlessness and anxiety are kicking up again. I want to keep my hands constantly busy, constantly moving...or clenched up in really tight fists. There is something comforting about squeezing something very, very tightly.
Memories flutter in and out of my mind, but I don't want to remember. I just want to be safe.
'Safety' is a good thing. Getting the 'fangs' out of the memories seems to be a viable way to enhance the sense of safety. May you continue to find the courage to 'de-fang' the monster !!
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