Down on My Knees

It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

(from Angel, Sarah McLachlan)

After EMDR this morning I am not raging mad like I was on Monday. Instead, I feel a sadness that is difficult to describe. It runs deep.

I feel the need to have contact with my body as if to make sure that I am here...in the present. It's very strange. I don't remember ever feeling like this. For example, I might keep putting my hands in my hair, or hold my hands together, or touch my wrists...just to feel like I am grounded. This is one that I do not really understand.

The sadness is for the little girl. It is so profound that I cannot touch it. I cannot grasp it. I want to hold her, save her, but the past is done. I cannot undo it.  She looks at me pleadingly and begs me to save her. I cannot, so I hang my head and hold myself wondering what nomenclature has been given to this emotion. My vocabulary fails me. It is sadness, fear, anger, emptiness, despair...and more. It brings me to my knees, desperately repeating the mantra that takes me to my safe place.