Getting a Grip

This will be another post of disjointed thoughts. I'm just trying to pull myself together enough to go to work, Maybe if I write it all down, I can organize my thoughts into something resembling coherence. Right now it just feels like a million thoughts and emotions running through me in all different directions.

I don't know how to face people today. Even forty-five minutes of marriage counseling this morning was hard to handle. I want to hide somewhere really safe, and if I can't hide, I'm incredibly anxious. Hyper-movement is my other instinct. Run, instead of walk, up the stairs. Keep my hands moving...constantly. I want to work a lot tonight, but I know that after some time I will want to hide.

I hated the way that my husband talked to me this morning. How dare he?! He was talking about the challenge that I have teaching our daughters to protect themselves regardless what kind of abuse I have gone through as a child and regardless "how bad I feel about it".

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!!

Motherfucker, this was just the wrong day to tell me that!! You are obviously CLUELESS! Let me tell you that I have been on this challenge long before your pea brain thought of it! You don't know a thing! Has it not occurred to you that I may have been figuring this out since my first daughter was born? You're just coming into the picture, friend. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and yes, I am that much stronger for having survived that. I am that much of a stronger role model for my daughters. You know that "feeling" we were talking about in counseling? I know what it feels like. I can talk to them about when it's not OK...just like I told you today that it was not OK for you to talk to me the way that you did.

Again, random thoughts...just trying to get a grip.