Cover My Ears!

Cover my ears! I don't want to hear anything!!! I want to curl up in the back of my van with my face and my ears covered. I don't even want to hear anybody!

EMDR today was like running uphill.  It was so hard. Every place I saw was scary. It felt like I was running up the very steep hill in my neighborhood - the one that I use for REAL training. I always want to stop halfway up that hill. On good days I can talk myself into persevering through. I tell myself that it will get better in a minute. On real low days, I cannot get up that hill, I cannot listen to my words.

Today the entire session felt like I was running up that hill. I kept wanting to stop, but I kept telling myself that I had to continue...the hill would not last forever. In the end I begged to stop. I'm not sure if I got over it or not...close enough I think. It was way too intense.

Is it OK that I made up my own story? The real story was too scary. In the real story, I am hiding from my stepfather under the covers, but he finds me and takes them off, and has his way.

In the story that I made up today, I am hiding under the covers. He comes into my room and tries to uncover me. He cannot take the covers off, because I have them secured too tightly. Then he leaves the room and goes back to my mother. I go back to sleep peacefully and feel refreshed and rested at school the next day.

This story is so much more bearable. The other pictures were becoming too frightening to tolerate. I had to make up my own story. I had to escape.