The Man's Too Big (EMDR)

...and love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

(from Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley)

Why do I do this to myself? Every time that I go through EMDR, I basically incapacitate myself. I was to stop at the flower shop on my way home and order the flowers to give my daughters after their ballet recital. Of course I could not do that. I had to come straight home to hide, and collapse, and write.

I don't have the words for these emotions. All I can say is, "What is it?" and put my head down and want to cry, because even that will not come.

I saw so much in today's session. I started with Niagara but, of course, that took me directly to my childhood - in the hallway in front of my bedroom. I was so afraid. I kept getting that feeling of anticipating something awful - the same feeling I get when I think Niagara is going to walk near me.

I was so afraid my stepfather would come. When I could no longer handle that fear, I was back at work with Niagara. Somehow that felt safer. I suppose It is because I know that I am an adult in that picture.

However, I wanted to push him away from me, and I couldn't. I felt like my hands would stop just before I touched him. This was like a dream that I used to have often, where I would want to scream but no sound would come out.

The problem that I am having is that Niagara physically resembles my stepfather. He is a huge African American man. My stepfather was not African American, but he was definitely black. He was probably not as big as Niagara is, but the difference in size between Niagara and me may be somewhat similar to the difference in size between my stepfather and me when I was a child (at least in perception).

Yes, I see Niagara and I see my stepfather, and that's just bloody scary. And I go back and forth...and the weight of him suffocates me...I can't breathe...I wish he would get off me...he suffocates me and I just want to die.

I can't push him off of me.

He is just too big.