I Gave It Up for Lent

Cutting - the taboo word that I have been reluctant to bring up for about the last week and a half.

Although I have not actually cut in over five years, it is fighting the urge to cut that has brought me to my knees and that I struggle with on a regular basis. For three to four weeks before my first EMDR session, I had been fighting the urge to cut my wrists every single day.

When Lent began, my family asked me what I was giving up for Lent. I told my husband that I would pray instead of "giving up something". I told my older daughter that I had not quite decided yet. Really, in my head I was saying with some amount of sarcasm, "I'm giving up cutting for Lent!"

And why not give up cutting for Lent? Recently, during the Anointing of the Sick Mass (sometimes it's just strange to be Catholic), the priest urged those who desired healing to come forward for prayer and anointing. He said that we might want healing from (among other things) "doing something dangerous". So there I was - naked in church, feeling like Roberta Flack in "Killing Me Softly"..."I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud." But still, I did not come forward. I continued to fight the daily battle that rose with every sun to which I awoke.

...Until about a week and a half ago when I had my first EMDR session. During that first day, I felt much pain and anger, and my desire to cut was, to say the least, overwhelming.

...And then it was gone. The next day I did not want to cut, nor have I wanted to ever since. I am not 100% certain that the EMDR did it. It seems too "magical" for me to believe, but nonetheless here I am, urge free since the first session.

This week my daughter asked me if I have lost any weight during Lent. My husband, an avid coffee with creamer and soft drink consumer, has given up all beverages except water for Lent. He has consequently lost a few pounds during the last few weeks. When I told my daughter that I have not lost any weight, she answered somewhat disappointed, "Then you didn't give up anything for Lent." I replied softly, "Sometimes the things that we give up are not things that we eat."

Easter will be here in a couple of weeks, marking the end of Lent. Maybe the clock will strike twelve, the fairy dust will wear off, and I will start to cut again.

...Or maybe EMDR really heals.