Fight or Flight

I have really been trying not to bad-mouth my husband too much. It seems counterproductive when we are trying to work things out and get along. However, sometimes I just need to vent, and this is one of those times.

Regarding physical touch as a display of affection: I do not have any opposition to it, as long as I am actually touched affectionately every once in a while. By affectionate I mean the kind of touch that is not intended to be for the purpose of sexually arousing me or to lead to intercourse. I mean a hug for the sake of hugging, a kiss for the sake of kissing.

I have had such a difficult time explaining this concept to my husband. We have even discussed it in marriage counseling, and I feel that we have made no real progress in this regard.

Given the aftermath form our last intimate encounter, you can be sure that I have no interest in any further engagements in the near future. So when he became very "affectionate" this morning, I simply became angrier with every touch. It was clear he wanted sex, and all his touches had the sole purpose of convincing my body to agree. I felt cheap and humiliated. I longed for a loving caress, a protective hug, a tender kiss.

What I find most frustrating is that I have asked for these things, but he says that he does not understand the difference between the two. He cannot separate these two emotions the way that I do.

...and I want to scream in anger, because I don't believe him, I want to scream because initially he had made an effort to understand, and now I feel that we are back to where we were when we first started counseling. The novelty (or threat of divorce) has worn off and nothing has really changed. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM!!

Why do changes only happen when I am in fighting mode, and the minute I relax things return to the old ways? It is well known in science that a person cannot live in a "fight or flight" mode. This has been the culprit for the symptoms of chronic stress that people experience. I feel like in this marriage I only have two modes: "fight or flight" or "shut up and don't say anything" - neither one is good for my insides.

Wasn't the counseling supposed to fix this?

Like I said, I just had to vent.