This was EMDR today:
At times I wanted to run out of the office like a bat out of hell! It was a train ride alright...through a mess of emotions! And I promised not to cut?!!! Well that just adds stress! "One day at a time, sweet Jesus", like the old song says.
The hardest part was just saying the words. If I I did not have to utter them, if I could just think the thoughts, I would have been OK. For me, saying the words was like getting off the train. If I could just think the thoughts and not say the words, then I was still on the safe train.
When I could finally speak the forbidden words, "He got his semen all over me" came out as, "He got me all dirty". But he got his semen all over me! I wanted to scream it out! Except that he said I couldn't tell. I can't tell! I can't tell! I can't open my mouth to speak, but I want to scream!
He got his semen all over my small untouched body, and I had to get up and quietly wash. Everyone else was sleeping, and I was so tired. I'm sure I had school.
When I remember, I can still smell him and feel his taste in my mouth. I want to gag, and cry, and scream, and cut...cut...cut...cut...cut all the memories away, cut all the pain away. And I want to do it over and over until the anger is tamed.
Will it ever be tamed?
I am flushed, and my heart is racing, but the penny must remain "heads" up...somehow.
Several "penny" ditties come to mind . . ."Pennies from Heaven"; on getting one's "two cents worth"; "...Found a penny on the ground". Great that the choice remains in your favor.
ReplyDeleteAnd, how could you not be enraged !! But it is toward him that it needs to be directed . . .not the abused little girl. What courage you demonstrate... in doing the EMDR and in the writing.