I Love You Mom

OMG! I can't hide deep enough! I can't get a large enough coat. Oh thank God for these sunglasses. I hide my face in my hands. Nobody look please...nobody look. I want to curl up within myself. I want to hide every surface of my body. I want nothing exposed. The air burns my skin!

I just left another EMDR session. It was exhausting. I could not always speak, but I knew what I was feeling. It was anger, it was pain, it was sadness. I went back to that time as a teenager when things were not so good with my mother, when I tried to kill myself. I couldn't say this in therapy today. I was so afraid. I was so afraid of that time. I'm afraid that if I say it, I will feel it again.

But I was there. I was the teenage girl who wanted to die, because she did not understand where all the sadness, pain and anger was coming from. She thought that if he was gone, she should be happy again.

I was also the child who wanted to be with my mother. I kept wondering where she was. Where were you Mom? Dammit! Where were you? Couldn't you wake up? He was gone from your bed, Mom. Where did you think he went? Did he tell you he was going to get a drink of water? How long does that take? How long was he gone? I don't even know. It felt like my entire childhood to me.

You must have known that he was gone. You must have been afraid also. What would have happened if you would have gotten out of bed and gone to look for him? You would have found him with me in my room. You may have screamed at him and gotten him off of me (I wish you would have). But then, he may have killed us all. I know you were afraid. You were probably trying to protect all your children...but you missed one. You didn't mean to...but you missed one.

I love you Mom, and I forgive you. I know that you also told me not to ever say anything to anyone, but this has been really fucking me up. Do you get, Mom, that I have to say something? It just keeps happening over and over, if I don't say something!

Remember, I love you more than anything, Mom. I just have to get cleaned up from this mess.

Te quiero.