Connections: Hiding

The first few days after EMDR last week, I wanted to sleep. My brain seemed so tired. This week, I want to hide. I keep wanting to curl up as tight as possible and hide my face in my hands. I keep wanting to cover every surface of my skin with something soft, warm and concealing.

This past Tuesday at work, several times throughout the evening I felt the need to go in the bathroom and crouch in the corner with my head in my hands. I felt surprisingly safe and comfortable that way. I would remain in this position for several minutes, until I felt strong enough to face the public again. I did not cry, and I was not anxious; it was just about hiding.

I have no doubt that these feelings are connected to the times when, as a child, I wanted to hide from my stepfather. I locked my bedroom door, but he would pick the lock. I wore the most impossible pajamas and hid under the covers, but he always found his way.

That was then. He can't find me now.

Crouching in a corner in the bathroom might appear "crazy", but for me it was simply self-care. Knowing that no one would unlock the bathroom door and find me was comforting. Shutting out the world for just a few minutes was restorative. In this manner, I was able to function throughout the evening.