When is it depression?
I know that I've been gradually falling...faster during the last few days. I've been upset. There have been triggers, but lately the sadness seems magnified.
There is a difference between not wanting to get out of bed because you are still tired from having gone to bed late the previous night, and not wanting to get out of bed because facing the day seems impossible. Putting one foot in front of the other is just getting harder and harder. I spend the entire day wanting to go back to bed...under the covers, with the blinds drawn and the door closed. When I get the opportunity, I do.
I am a very early riser, partly by necessity, partly by habit. Sometimes I am tired during the day, and if time permits, I may lay down for a short nap...but never before 1:00 PM. No matter how tired it is, my body just won't sleep before that time. I was awake at 5:00 AM yesterday, but it took me an hour to gather the strength to get out of bed. I took care of my responsibilities with the kids and was back in bed around 10:00 AM...sleeping...with the blankets over my head. Ugghh.
Eating - I can't even go into it...just another source of stress.
At night, when I am finally able to hide in the safety of my room and my bed, I want to cry as I bury my face in the pillow and allow all the pain that I had been suppressing all day to rise to the surface and reveal itself.
Things have been rough emotionally at my house, and I know I've got good reason to be sad, angry, hurt, etc. The question I ask is "Are these feelings just secondary to what is going on at home and therefore temporary, or am I spiraling into a deep depression that I will not know how to climb out of?"
Does it even matter, though? If I feel like shit, who cares what you call it?
One word brought this question up for me.
Suicide...the thought has crossed my mind.
I think when we suffer from depression; situations like this can feel like 'the last straw'. Of course, you will be even more tired than normal because of everything you are processing, both in therapy and at home.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm at my lowest, I try to remind myself that it is something I need to go through and that it will pass AND I go to bed for 2hrs. As soon as the mood lifts, I no longer feel the need to sleep in the afternoon.
It doesn't help to beat ourselves up for feeling this way. Yes, you need to sleep more than usual (or as your commitments will let you) but it will start to pass as the days and weeks go by. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself.
Thank you for your sweet words, Cat. Early to bed then tonight.
DeleteA visit with your therapist soon might be helpful. Call to see when (s)he can see you.
ReplyDeleteA visit with my therapist is always helpful. I have been trying to hold it together, but I will be glad to just exhale in the safety of his office when I see him early next week.
DeleteHope today's going okay
DeleteSorry I did not respond. I was not in a good place last night. Today was a little better, but things seem to get worse at night.
DeleteThanks for checking.
I'm thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hope you do too xx
DeleteWe both know that is not the answer,no matter how alluring the idea may be. I am sending positivity your way. xxx
ReplyDelete
DeleteThank you MMS. With some intervention from my therapist, I was fortunately able to climb out of that moment.