Lost in the Dark

I need to sleep. Why will I not just lay down? The longer I stay awake, the less I want to sleep. I am afraid of the nights again. Afraid of the dark...afraid of the pain...and yes, afraid of seeing him again.

A few days ago, I had a horrid experience in the dark. I was scheduled to provide a flu immunization clinic at 7:00 am at a somewhat remote location (one hour's drive from where I live). I was to arrive at 6:30 am in order to prepare and set up my supplies. In my latitude at this time of the year, it is pitch dark at 6:30 in the morning.

I set off with a rather large cup of chai and my trusty GPS. As I neared my destination, the directions instructed me to make several left and right turns until I found myself on a very dark and winding road. There were trees on either side of me and not a single street lamp to light the road. I had no idea where I was headed, as I could not see more than a foot past my headlights.

Suddenly, Google Girl informed that I had arrived at my destination...in the middle of nowhere! This is when I started to panic. I was on my own now. There was nothing but trees there. I could see the lights of a facility in the very far distance to my right, but I could see no road to enter through. I kept driving forward in hopes of finding an entrance or a road to turn into that would lead me towards the lights.

I found neither...just pitch darkness on a very narrow winding road. When I was younger, I used to have a recurring dream where I was lost out in murky water and could not find my way back to land. The water was always swampy or marshy so that I could not see through it and also had a difficult time distinguishing land from water. I was always terrified in these dreams, because I felt like I could not see where I was going and did not know how I was going to get back to safety.

This is exactly how I felt on that morning. I could not see where this road was taking me, and I could not find a place to turn around. The road was so narrow that a 3-point turn would have been difficult, but I was afraid of where continuing forward might lead me...a dead end? Water? A swamp? A bear? Jupiter?...you can see where my imagination was going.

I was at the point of tears...lost and alone in the dark. Fear took over, and I made what was probably about a 16-point turn, being very careful not to let my tires touch the shoulder. I had no idea how soft it may be or what kind of surface lay in the darkness. I drove back the way I had come, and because I could not find a place to pull over, I stopped at the first intersection that I encountered and turned on my emergency flashers. Like a toddler having a temper tantrum in the middle of a store, I wanted to just sit there and wait for the sun to rise and shed light on this enchanted forest where I landed.

...but I realized that might take a long time...so I made a phone call. Wouldn't you know it? At 6:30 in the morning, there was a receptionist answering the telephone at the plant where I was to hold my clinic. As much as I tried to compose myself for this conversation, there was no way that I could hide the fear and the frustration in my voice. I was incredibly agitated and found myself repeating to this woman how dark it was outside and how unfamiliar I was with the area.

She brought me right in, staying on the phone with me until I was in the parking lot. She never lost her patience or the calm in her voice, as she gently brought me to safety.

At the end of my clinic, while I was administering her flu shot, I apologized for having been so shaken that morning. I explained to her how afraid I had been, and she smiled and remained kind and non-judgmental.

There are some beautiful people in this world...even in dark remote areas.