A Fortress Around Me

"Have you thought about what you want for Christmas?", he asked.

"For me?", I answered somewhat astonished.

"Yes, for you."

"I thought we could just buy gifts for the kids this year."

"Why do you want to do that?"

"You know very well why I want to do that. Do not pretend."

"No, I don't understand why we would do that."

"Because I don't want anything. Just because you keep asking me to kiss you every five minutes doesn't mean that things have magically changed between us. Nothing has changed, and getting each other gifts would not be a good idea."

"Well, you do what you do, and I will do what I do. If you have not changed your heart, I am still praying for our marriage and for our love. I am still here by your side. I am still the same man that you said yes to fourteen years ago..."

Blah...blah...blah...

You mean the one I thought would never hurt me? The one I thought would protect me from others who would hurt me? It hardly sounds like the same man.

These are the thoughts that were going through my head as he spoke. These are the words that I should have said to him, but I did not seem to be able to get them out. It was hard enough to think them; verbalizing them would have hurt too much.

I can still feel that pain all over the front of me. I feel the need to constantly protect the soft vulnerable parts of me. I fold my arms in front of me and cross my legs. I often want to sit with my knees up against my body, building a fortress around my soft vulnerable parts.

The thought of being touched in those areas ever again brings me to tears. I want to push and run away.

...I suppose it is still too soon for EMDR again.