Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

Too much, too little, too late to lie again with you.
Too much, too little, too late to try again with you.

(from Too Much, Too Little, Too Late, Johnny Mathis & Denise Williams)

 

"I want to be forgiven."

That's what he said.

"I want to be pardoned."

Before he said these words, he asked me if I intended to be living in the house by around Christmas time. Because I have not seen a lawyer yet, I said that I did not have the answer to that question yet. However, I assured him that I did not see us staying together...let there be no misunderstanding.

He took this opportunity to spill his heart out. He said that being in my position, he could certainly understand why I felt the way that I felt. He explained that he should have known that I was "fragile", because I was going through therapy. His choices were poor and he should have know better than to disrespect me.

"I love you", he said, "even though you may not believe me. But you can say 'I love you' until you are blue in the face, and if you don't show it, It doesn't matter."

"I want to be forgiven, but not just the 'I'm sorry, you're forgiven type...I want to be pardoned. I want you in my life as something more that just my children's mother."

"I meant no harm...and deep down inside, you know that I meant no harm."

Errrr...back up...come again?

I had been quietly listening to him speak...just listening without saying a word. To me, this was just a classic case of "too much, too little, too late". There was nothing that he could say that would change my position.

Let us begin with the "fragile" statement. It is interesting how he absolves himself from blame by insinuating that this entire night would not have been a problem if I had not been "fragile" because of my ongoing therapy. On the contrary, friend. it is because I am going through therapy that I have been strong enough to stand up to your abuse and say enough is enough! I am hardly fragile. My voice is stronger and bigger than ever. All hail to EMDR!!

Then there is the proverbial "I love you." Let me tell you what I know about "I love you". Recently, somebody whom I know told me that you don't treat someone that you love the way you treated me that night. I understand that soundly and deeply.

He wants to be forgiven. He wants to be pardoned, yet he has not offered a single apology...not that it would make a difference to me. I'm just saying...if you want forgiveness, shouldn't you apologize first???

Last but not least: "I meant no harm...deep down inside, you know that I meant no harm." This one required a reply from me. I walked up closer to him and looked him in the eyes when I said, "Deep down inside, how could I possibly think that you did not mean any harm? When you don't stop when I push you away, and when you don't stop when I say to stop, I do not think that you don't mean any harm. At that point I am wondering what is wrong with you?"

This is the crucial piece of information that he is refusing to acknowledge. This is the crux of the matter, yet it is the one part that he chooses to leave out of all his explanations. When it boils down to it, it was forced sex.

I will not let him forget that.