Strength

This is what I gathered from my session with my therapist today:

I am strong, and my strength scares him. I am not the same woman that I was years ago...even months ago. Apparently, he does not know what to do with this new woman who does not allow others to disrespect her and abuse her any longer.

All his words are just an effort to bring back the equilibrium that he is accustomed to...even if it is dysfunctional and, yes, abusive. When he says, "I want you to forgive me and recommit to our marriage...and that's it...I don't have anything to offer in return.", it is precisely that...he just wants things to go back to the way they used to be, where I was weak and passive and he took advantage of that...daily.

I AM NOT HER ANYMORE!!!

I want a partner who will honor and respect me in every aspect...or no partner at all. He does not seem to be this partner, nor does he want to be this partner. He wants my forgiveness so that we can go on and continue with the same relationship that we have had. I say, "HELL NO!!" What kind of deal is that? I'm no martyr, and I have never been interested in playing that role.

Of these things I am sure. My challenge is to be aware of my strength and not be afraid of it. Looking at muscles that I am not accustomed to seeing can be frightening....even if they are my own muscles.

I have the power to refuse to engage in conversations about topics that I am not prepared to discuss, such as forgiveness. My challenge is to not be afraid to use that power.

I take a deep breath as I leave the comfort of my earphones and this now familiar café to face my life again.