This is the topic that I have been trying to avoid. My husband is tripping over himself to be "nice" to me, and I can't stand it! Once again he has turned into the thoughtful, sensitive man that I wish he would have been all along, and it's too fucking late now!!
I can't stand his kindness, because I don't believe it and I don't trust it. I feel like he is trying to infiltrate his way back into my heart, but he's never coming in here again! He acts like he cares so much about my feelings now...gag me.
Gradually, he has been trying to get physically closer to me, for a change respecting my signals, my body language and my words. I DON'T CARE!! IT'S TOO LATE NOW!! I've been trying to get him to respect me that way for fourteen bloody years!
The other morning he ended up laying on my bed while I was sitting on it. I suppose he thought it was safe, since my youngest was sitting at my desk drawing pictures. Eventually, he pulled me down to lay next to him. I completely freaked out, albeit silently as my daughter was in the room. I sat up and started crying. He caressed my face and asked, "Does it hurt?" I nodded yes, and he replied, "I can tell, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you."
What do you do when those words don't mean anything to you anymore? Where was that sensitivity in all our years of marriage? Why now? Why wait until the garden is dead to start watering it?
These gestures just anger me. He has hope that I might forgive him and we would remain together. I am not able to proceed with separation plans until after Christmas. In the meantime, he thinks I've changed my mind. I absolutely hate this time. I hate him trying to get close to me. I am hypersensitive to touch...from anyone (except my kids). I don't even want anyone sitting close to me.
I can't stay with him. If I did, I might...
...I can't say it.
Do you still have the opportunity to go to couples counselling? It might be an idea to have a mediator to help you work through some stuff. I think, before you can even start doing that, you need to have boundaries. If he continues to close in on you like this, it could become too unbearable.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of going to couples counseling again nauseates me. Anyway, that would require both parties to want a reconciliation...I don't.
DeleteI have been forever battling the physical boundaries with him. Today I was able to tell him that I don't want him or anyone else touching me or even sitting near me. He said that he understood, but it did not preclude him from explaining to me all the reasons why he wants to touch me and be near me.
His words are just painful.
Thanks for commenting, Cat. I hope I have not come across as rude. I'm simply not doing very well today.
No need to apologise, you didn't sound rude at all. I can imagine how painful those words are. I do hope he is able to respect your boundaries.
ReplyDeleteThank you for understanding.
DeleteIf you cannot say it then do not. My thoughts are with you. Stay safe Rising.
ReplyDeleteThank you MMS. Words do come out in due time.
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