I Will Keep You Safe

Cry little girl, cry. Cry all you want, because it's OK. You are safe with me. I will protect you.

I explained to my therapist this morning that I felt like I wanted to roll myself up into a ball in order to protect myself. I tried to describe to him the feeling that I feel on the front side of me...the way that I feel the pain from my last night with my husband all over the front of me...all over the soft vulnerable parts of me. After relaying this to him, we did a little bit of EMDR.
 
It was different this time. Instead of following his hand with my eyes. He asked me to cross my arms over my chest and tap my hands back and forth. I felt so much safer that way. I closed my eyes and visualized my scared and vulnerable little girl on one side and my strong, capable adult woman on the other. I imagined the adult telling the little girl, "I will keep you safe".

As I tapped my hands, the woman slowly approached the little girl, letting her know that she would protect her. She hugged her and held her, and the little girl cried. The woman kept telling her that she was safe, that they would always walk together. She would never leave her. She would always keep her safe...and the little girl cried - I cried. They were tears of relief. She could not believe that she was no longer all alone.

The woman enveloped the little girl. She curved her body over her, and they somehow merged into one. Then they held hands and walked together, as the woman reminded her that they would always walk together. They would never be apart. She cried...I cried...the tears you cry when you can't believe there is someone you can trust and you let your walls down and open up.

It was a remarkable session. Holding my arms over my chest was very helpful. I felt less vulnerable and more in control, as I was tapping my hands instead of following his hand. I could truly stop whenever I wanted. Closing my eyes made it easier to visualize things. I probably would have had a difficult time doing EMDR any other way today.

Tonight as I lay down, I will cross my arms over my chest and hold that little girl again. She will feel safe, loved and protected.