Written Wednesday, November 6, 2013
I crawled through today. It was the kind of day that I spent staving off whatever is coming but kept getting winded in the process. During my six hour shift at work, I took several breaks to hide in the restroom...crouching in the corner with my face in my hands. Every interaction with each patient required for me to inhale deeply and step out of myself long enough to provide help with patience and kindness. Strangely, I found comfort in becoming engrossed in the inordinately lengthy calculations required to prepare a solution for a tiny patient.
I cried when my husband called...because he said "I love you". I was already feeling fragile, and damn him! Those words are taboo for now. I'm going down; I can feel it. I feel the lack of energy...thoughts of cutting interrupting me more often. Yes, I am scared of how low I can get. I don't want to feel the way I did a few weeks ago, but I had a very hard time holding myself up today.
I might possibly be home alone tomorrow, but I intend to spend the day cleaning up the guest room (my room) and the house for my mother in law's pending visit...no idle hands.
Tonight I will hold myself, arms crossed over my chest, and let my adult woman comfort my child. This way I will rock myself to sleep, her words a lullaby in my head.
and ..... you are incredibly brave for writing this blog in a vulnerable moment. I love what you said above about feeling "winded" in the process. I never thought about it that way - I so GET that.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, you may have gone to the restroom and hidden in your hands in between, but you never gave up and your writing about it.
your not a lone .. I myself have a day off and I am alone today - no session, my husband is busy working, so I am like you, but we are not alone :)
Thank you for sharing this ... I hope you have a better day today
Thank you Karen. Sometimes, it's good to have companionship. I hope your day goes well also.
DeleteWhat strikes me is how you could put aside your own feelings to serve the needs of the patients. I'm sure this sort of thing helps us to pull through, but I'm not very good at it.
DeleteIt takes everything that I have in me to be able to do this. Days like that are absolutely exhausting for me, hence, the little hide-in-the-bathroom breaks. I need them to catch my breath and regain the energy that the public interactions take from me. The little bit that I have, I save for the patients. Usually the nurses get the brunt of my impatience on those days.
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