I AM SO ANGRY!!! It was a hellish day, and I am raging mad!! Today was a day of intermittent crying, when I just wanted to break down in a full blown deluge. Sometimes I sobbed...sometimes I had to keep it together. My sunglasses are my new friend...rain, shine, clouds, or fog. I only don't wear them at night.
I saw the lawyer today, and I don't know how to describe how I felt afterwards...like curling up into a ball and crying forever...hellish...like cutting lines on my wrists until the numbness takes over...hellish.
His words last night enraged me.
"...find it within your heart to forgive me and trust me again."
Why does that sound so much like a burden has been laid on me? I can never trust him again. His behavior only changes long enough for him to know that I have accepted him again.
I have a 4:00 am wake up call, but I am so afraid to go to sleep. It will be the same routine. I will cry myself to sleep and then wake up in the middle of the night seeing him and feeling him again. Then I will bury my face in the pillow, because I will want to scream and instead I will be sobbing.
Damn him!
I want my blade...I want my comfort zone...I want to scream...I want to cry forever.
I am sorry for your profound pain and wish for better time for you.
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DeleteThank you. Your words mean a great deal to me.
Hope that you are able to rest well this night.
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DeleteThank you. I am sufficiently tired. Perhaps that and a pillow filled with lavender will take me through the night.
It's understandable that you are feeling so angry. I know, that's no comfort. I guess you need to ride the storm... hold that head as high as possible
ReplyDeleteSometimes abusive behaviour only changes during times like this. Would it last?
I don't believe it would last. This is what makes this time so painful. All his kindness and sudden concern are just his attempts at winning me back. And then what?...We've been here before.
DeleteThanks for your encouragement, Cat.