Writing, Threats and EMDR

Tomorrow I go back to counseling. I think I'm better today than I was last week. I could probably still drag a blade across my thigh, given the opportunity. I might even go through a bucket of ice cubes tonight. But I have written a lot more during the last five days than I have in the last year. And THAT was helpful.

Writing always helps me to see things more clearly. It doesn't always or necessarily offer a solution, but it helps me to categorize thoughts and feelings and maybe draw a map to what I can do to make things better. I don't actually have a map yet, but I'm considering EMDR for tomorrow...or the next time maybe...depending.

So where will I start with EMDR? And why EMDR? My therapist suggested EMDR about threats. This seems to be what triggered this episode for me. What threats? That's the scary part. Remembering them...recognizing them...acknowledging them.

"Don't tell anyone", it's those words. "No le digas a nadie". " Si se lo dices a alguien, la policia me va ha meter preso, y ha ustedes lo van a llevar a otro lugar." He made it sound like we would all be raised in foster care...if I told anyone. He made me feel like it would be my fault and my wrongdoing if he were arrested because I talked.

I wish I could have talked to that girl. What if I could have told her that nothing bad would happen to her or to her Mom or to her siblings? What if I could have convinced her that she was absolutely right in feeling like sending him to jail was what needed to be done. It was the right thing to do. What if I would have done that? Spoken up then. Would things have been different? We were all so afraid of him.