I'm Still Here

I'm still here...still writing. I don't want to stop now that I've started. I want to keep purging and vomiting and looking at the truth in the face. That's hard...but so is trying to get through a night without cutting.

I went back to counseling today...and it was good. I laughed, I needed to. I needed to know that I am so much more than the mess I was last week...still feeling the shame. I thought I would be, but I found I wasn't ready to fully address the shit that led me to cutting. Maybe a little superficially. I still couldn't look at my therapist...still feeling the shame. Except once, I deliberately made eye contact with him, because I needed to feel the connection. Sometimes I feel like I need to be rescued from the grim world into which I slip when I look away. Eye contact with him is my rescue.

I can't say that I'm out of the woods yet...but the leaves are thinning and letting in a little light. "I love you", says me to the teenage girl.