TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM
I don't cut anymore. I know this...but I'm sitting with my blade...afraid to unwrap it and afraid not to.
I don't want to cut. I don't want to go there again. But I am drawn to this blade again.
...Another trigger today. A woman came asking for a recommendation for her poison oak rash. She had covered the area with a large bandage...like I had done in the past. It was the inside of her wrist...my favorite spot.
"Please, don't show me that wrist." I wanted to say. "Don't show me that bandage. Don't show me what's under it." But she had to show me. I had to see it in order to make a proper recommendation.
It wasn't the rash, it was the bandage...on precisely that area.
What the fuck? What is wrong with me? How can I go back there? I don't cut anymore, but the blade is so seductive...the sting of the cut so satisfying.
I know it's been rough returning from vacation...a lot rougher than usual. I haven't really been well since I returned, but I don't want to fall this low.
I need help.
An 'old fashioned' approach ... can you muster sufficient 'will power' to resist until such time as you feel solid again ?
ReplyDeleteYes, I have rekindled my friendship with the ice...
DeleteOn reading your post about 'remembering', it seems that it would be fruitful to 'listen' for any connections between what got stirred on the trip and your current mood. In the meantime, 'self care'.
ReplyDeleteI will certainly pay attention.
DeleteOh, dear woman. I have been reading silently here for a long time (may have commented before, don't remember) and just had to reach out today. This is not the right path. You can make a choice not to return to those habits. Cutting is addictive, and giving into the craving now will make it so much harder to resist next time. You have beaten this addiction - do not go back down that rabbit hole. I know I sound harsh, but I speak from experience...
ReplyDeleteBe good to yourself. You are valuable. <3
Well put, Lauren. It is exactly that...an addiction. I am taking this one day at a time. I will not give in.
DeleteThanks for reading.
When in pain, one resource is to 'write, write, write'.
ReplyDeleteRight ?
Right! Sometimes it's the only way.
Delete