Tactics and Stretegies

During my session earlier this week, my therapist explained a little bit to me about tactics and strategies. In the military, there is an overall strategy - the big picture, and there are specific tactics that are intended to lead to the big strategy. Sometimes the tactics contradict the strategy...but they still work.

This is the metaphor that he used when I spoke of my turmoil of feelings and the  contradictions that I sometimes see in my actions. This has troubled me...in fact, has brought much pain and anxiety.

The strategy is to end this marriage as peacefully as possible, while protecting the children from as much upheaval as possible. "It's going to be war", he has already told me. The tactics, therefore, have become actions that contradict my true feeling and intentions...it sickens me.

I must point out that using the term "tactic" connotes that my actions are planned out and purposeful. That is not entirely true. Specifically, what troubles me is my response to my husband's attempts at affection and overt sexual advances.

To be perfectly clear, I have not been sexually involved with my husband since the night last September when he forced his way on me. I have, however, acquiesced at times to pop kisses and hugs...against my will, but at times to keep the peace and at others to simply get him off my back.

This is where the tactics come into play. It was last October when I decided that I could no longer be married to my husband, but I was counseled by my attorney to wait until after Christmas before proceeding, for the children's sake. After Christmas came birthdays, Easter, an overnight out of state field trip and, of course, piano and dance recitals...all events that I could not bear to ruin for my children.

Although I have been very direct with my husband in expressing to him that I will never again lie in a bed with him and that I will never again feel the same way about him as I used to, he has continued to pursue me sexually in many different forms. Consequently, I have found myself in situations where I have said yes to a hug or a kiss, because his persistence has worn me down or perhaps to avoid a fight or a cold environment surrounding one of the above mentioned events...tactics to help me arrive at the final outcome without putting the kids through a dragged out war.

I find all of this sickening, revolting and nauseating...the same way that I feel every time his lips meet mine or I struggle out of his confining arms. If it is difficult to make sense of this post, it is because I myself am having a difficult time making sense of this entire situation. Once again, I have used my writing to try to work through turbulent emotions and a chaotic life.

...I am still working at it.