I know that I should write. I wish I could speak this rage to someone. I burn with anger, yet at the same time I am tired of the arguments. Nothing between my husband and me matters anymore to me. There is nothing anymore worth arguing about.
...but I am angry that he would ask...and expect a different answer.
"Do you love me?", he asked.
"This is a bad question", I warned him.
"No, it isn't. Do you love me?"
"Love is dead."
Did he think that I should lie? What does he think that I have been trying to tell him and show him for the last eight months?
I can't explain what angers me. All I know is that I long for a different life.
I wonder if there is a connection between the last two sentences . . . Perhaps when you can 'explain' the anger to yourself, the 'different life' might be yours.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could. There is a lot of turmoil and contradiction inside of me. I know that is part of it. I also know that certain conversations with my husband still stir up a lot of hurt, and I think it angers me to go to that place.
DeleteI think it's good you just told him. No need to sugarcoat anything.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're angry because him asking implies and shows he didn't understand anything of what has been happening although you've been honest about things. You're mentioning it anyway and I can feel the frustration.
I hope you can work all of this through x
Thanks Juliet. As painful as it may have been, I am also glad that I was courageous enough to speak the truth. I am learning that part of my turmoil of emotions may have something to do with grieving the loss of what this marriage started out being.
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