I can't wear my nightgown anymore.
The nightgown of which I speak is a long-sleeve, delicate, down to my ankles, soft cotton garment that my husband gave to me as a gift some years ago. It was his compromise between my fleece pants pajamas and the lingerie that I refused to wear in the dead of winter. I enjoyed wearing this gown.
Because this past winter called for nothing less than my fleece pajamas, I had not seen this garment in quite some time. After the ice and snow gave way to the lamb of March, I pulled it out from under all my fleece and wore it to sleep about a month ago...mistake.
What happened?? This was the scenario:
After doing a little writing and a little reading, I closed my laptop and slid under my covers ready to slip into unconscious oblivion. As I did so, my gown rose up leaving my legs uncovered. I started to pull down on my gown, and suddenly I was not just fixing my clothing, but I was fighting off my stepfather and fighting off my husband.
When I was a child, he came into my bedroom, reached under my covers, pulled up my nightgown and pulled down my panties...not all the way down, just enough for him to fit.
I don't know why I feel the need to write this. It is incredibly painful. I feel raging anger towards him and am heartbroken for the child. Yet, I believe that if I don't write it, this memory is trapped in my mind, surfacing at will and triggering flashbacks and self-destruction.
He touched me with his hands first, then he rubbed his penis on me. He must have masturbated, because after a while, he would erupt somewhere between my vagina and my panties. Then he left me, my panties filled with his sticky mess.
I had to get up and clean myself...wash him off...go back to bed...fix my nightgown again...pull the covers tight over me.
I'm heartbroken for that child too. she deserved to be loved, not abused -- and the adult you deserves love and happiness as well. it was brave of you to post this!! *hugs* xo
ReplyDeleteThank you. This was incredibly difficult for me to write and to publish...but I felt like it had to come out or it would hurt me. I appreciate you reading and commenting.
DeleteAs an 'old timer' I once knew often said, 'more room out than in'.
DeleteThanks for writing it and getting it 'out'.
You/re welcome. Strangely, I feel somewhat lighter after having written that.
DeleteI understand your pain - I can even feel some of it - It's incredibly brave of you to explore it through writing. Very powerful. I imagine it is all part of your therapy process and, of course, the healing that is clearly taking place. Thank you for sharing. In a strange way, it gives me some courage for facing up to my own painful memories. I'm sure it also helps many others.
ReplyDeleteI am glad my post is helpful for you, Cat. I can only hope that others may gain something from it too. Really, this was supposed to be the post that nobody read or commented on, just a tool for me to "vomit" the ugliness out. In fact, I woke up the morning after writing it thinking that I should "unpublish" it. At the very least, I wanted to write another post so that it would not be the first post people saw on my blog...but alas, I couldn't find a single thing to write about...so it stayed...and now I' glad it did :)
DeleteThanks for reading and commenting.