Drive

Who's gonna tell you when
It's too late?
Who's gonna tell you things
Aren't so great?

 

You can't go on
Thinkin' nothing's wrong, ohh no
Who's gonna drive you home
Tonight?
(from Drive, The Cars)



My husband and I drove home in silence from the continuing education seminar that we had attended together. The entire day had been anything but silent. We whispered occasional comments to each other and talked freely and naturally over lunch. We chatted as we exited the building at the end of the seminar, but a short while into our drive home, he became silent and distant. I do not care about this behavior as much as I used to. In fact, I allowed myself to believe that maybe he was just tired and perhaps was taking a short nap while I drove.

Later in the evening, we took the kids to a school event at a local pizza restaurant. Once again, we hardly spoke. Ironically, one of the teachers came by our table while our girls were playing in the game room and commented that it is nice that our children are at an age where we are able to have a little time with each other while they entertain themselves...we had absolutely nothing to say to each other. We did not even make eye contact, although we were sitting across a very small table from one another.

As he drove us home in his car, I became apprehensive. Suddenly, I remembered rides with my stepfather...alone and afraid in his car. I never knew where he was taking me. Silently, I prayed that my husband would not turn off anywhere unexpectedly. I was fearful of him and what he might be capable of...but it was really my stepfather who could have hurt me. Why did this drive turn into such a flashback scene? Perhaps it was the tension of the afternoon drive home and of the evening. When we finally arrived home, I could not get out of the car fast enough.

Later on during the girls' bedtime, I cuddled my youngest in my arms and read her a story, while my older daughter laid on my bed making bracelets for her friends. He came into my room and tenderly kissed each child goodnight...and ignored me. This is the same man who for the past few weeks has continuously asked me for kisses, never desisting until I agreed, even to just a few small pop kisses.

...I almost believed him.