It Hurts When I Speak

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

 

(from Silent All These Years, Tori Amos)

Dear Blogger Friends,

It's only you tonight again. My mother is out of the country...vacationing. My sister...needs a break, my children are too young, and my friends...they mustn't know. So that leaves you to pour my heart out to...to be my collective shoulder to cry on.

We only don't fight when I don't speak up, but I don't want to shut up anymore! It hurts too much to quiet my voice. It hurts...so much. Tonight it's just tears and the choking pain. I'm trying to understand it through writing, but I can't seem to describe it.

This is not helping tonight. This pain is profound and triggered by who knows what. This is a lie in bed, clench my fists, and cry my heart out type of pain.

"You always...", he said.

"Every time..."

It's simply not true. I only spoke up about the matter, but my observation differed from his point of view. There was the crime.

I have a voice now, and it cannot be silenced, but why do I hurt so much tonight?

I am sorry this is so incoherent. I am really trying to figure it all out as I write it down...to no avail. There's nothing left but a good cry.