I've got strange feelings tonight. I've been feeling kind of paranoid lately. Paranoid that someone will find this blog and know who I am...paranoid that my anonymity will be revealed and my deepest vulnerabilities will be exposed.
I hate my last post. I hate that I was in that dark place and that I wrote so graphically. I hate that anyone had to read that and see such a raw side of me.
I am glad that I did not hurt myself, and I am grateful for the comments and support that helped me get through the moment.
Thank you all.
Back in my late 20s when my depression was particularly destructive and I was suicidal, the only thing that seemed to help me were flower remedies, surprisingly. It sounds a little freaky New Age, but the essences of flowers are distilled and they work on you on a vibrational level, an emotional level, which is the level I was suffering on at the time. Bach Rescue Remedy is the best thing I have found for stress and anxiety. 4 drops under the tongue as many times as needed until the panic subsides and you feel a calm start to wash over you.
ReplyDeleteThere are single remedies as well, that work on specific emotions and traumas if you want to get more involved. (Like I took Cherry Plum for suicidal thoughts, for example, and a different one for trauma with my father.)
You can get Rescue Remedy at a HF store like Whole Foods or even online at Vitacost.com. Just a suggestion...
Hmmm...thanks for the suggestions. I am pretty big on aromatherapy as it is, so this wouldn't be too far off for me. I'm the pharmacist who prefers natural to conventional drugs...go figure. LOL.
DeleteThanks for your thoughtfulness :)
Yer, I've had those exact same fears and doubts whenever I reveal parts of myself. You are brave and it is all part of the journey. Pleased to read you got through it
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cat. I needed to hear somebody else goes through this also. It helps to calm the panic. Hope all is well.
DeleteAlthough it has been said often, it merits repeating: You are BRAVE to hang on to your Truth
ReplyDeleteThank you. It is so hard not to doubt myself sometimes, when someone else is minimizing my experiences or downright denying them. It is hard to stay strong, but your encouraging words are very helpful.
DeleteGlad you're better. One of the biggest steps for me with severe depression and anxiety came when I recognized that my feelings were temporary. I'm not sure what brought about this realization but it was a huge step in getting better. It sounds like that might be happening for you as far as cutting -- recognizing that the feelings of wanting to cut, as bad as they are, do pass. I know life is not easy these days, but that's major. You were close to cutting but got through it. I worry about my blog at times, too. In fact lately I've taken to writing three pages a day just to get all the "stuff" out of my head, but these are only for me. I write in either a notebook, or I type it and leave it in a journal file on my private computer. I also do this when I feel like I'm about to lose it on my husband. I walk away and write. I've been surprised how much this has helped. That said, it's nice to get feedback from my blog readers. I've posted heavy stuff and regretted it too. Hope you have a better week.
ReplyDeleteGH
http://griefhappens.wordpress.com
Thanks for your reply, GH. I have often considered writing in a journal or somewhere other than this blog, but I always feel that anything else has a possibility of being found, and so I can never be completely open. The beauty of this blog is that its anonymity is its own hiding place...but still I get scared sometimes.
DeleteThis past week, I've been doing more reading than writing (specifically Broken Open, thank you). For now, it seems to be where I need to be. I suppose when I get my courage up, I will post again. Thanks again for your support. I am enjoying the book.