Trigger Warning: Self-Harm
I want to cut. I hurt, and it feels better when I cut. That is the ugly and dysfunctional bottom line. I had a difficult time focusing in therapy today...because I wanted to cut...right there...at that moment. In my mind, I left the room and imagined myself cutting lines into my wrists.
I cut myself shaving yesterday, and at the sight of the drop of blood, I knew I was there...ready to cut again. I want to touch this hurting. I want to cut deep and reach it. I want it to sting, so that I can wear this pain outside, where I can look at it and understand it.
I want to see blood spilling from me like tears that my wrists can't contain. I want to cut slowly and deliberately, inhaling as I feel the blade carve into my skin.
Eventually, my therapist got up and gently handed me the Little Puppies...then I was able to speak and tell him where I was. He let me bring the Puppies home.
I will probably cut today. I will probably buy a new box of blades at work today...but before I cut, I will hold the Puppies and notice the way the Mama Puppy embraces the Baby Puppy, and I will try to envision myself holding the little girl me that way.
Don't do it. Download the book, or better yet, go out to a local bookstore and read it in silence with your favorite coffee or tea. Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. Thinking of you and wishing you a better day tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteGH
Thanks GH. Staying strong so far. I think I'll order that book today.
DeleteThe above comment about reading is probably the best advice you can have right now. Sometimes it helps reading someone elses experiences. Stay strong!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cat. Yes, sometimes it helps to see how other people got through situations similar to ours. If nothing else, it helps us get out of our own heads...and into some one else's. I'm kind of curious about this book.
Delete