Self-harm trigger warning. If you are there or anywhere near there, please do not read this post. In fact, I would be fine if absolutely no one read this post. This is just me getting the shit out. I have to blurt it out to someone, and tonight there is only my blog.
So what can I say? I'm there again. I guess it doesn't take much these days. Just one bad conversation, a decision to express why a certain e-mail disturbed me. Before I knew it, we were fighting again, and I was raging mad. Now I want to cut . My scars from this summer have almost faded, but I want to carve into myself again. I want to purge this endless hurt. One slice...two slices...whatever it takes. I crave the electrifying sting. Do I deserve to treat myself this way? Yes, I do. Don't ask me why. I feel pretty low and worthless. Really, I just want to off myself, but I guess that would be selfish. There seems to be no happy ending to my story. Why all this pain? Every road is paved with knives.
So I want out. I want off the roller coaster. I want no more of life, if this is what it offers.
Oh, my. Sorry that you have this dark place again. I hope for better times for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteThis is your blog and should be your place for blurting out whatever you feel. Hopefully, one day, there WILL be happy endings for you... it's just, at the mooment, you need to go through your therapy and break-up. These are bound to rip you apart periodically. Stay strong!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cat. It's just that, at the moment, I feel like I have lost the strength that I had. It's a tough road to travel, and I appreciate your kind words.
DeleteYou do NOT deserve this. Maybe thinking of what you wrote to me ... self-harm only prolongs the pain. I know it's hard but try to be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Juliet. I am deeply touched that you have taken the time to read and comment on my blog, considering how you have been feeling. These are not necessarily easy or uplifting posts to read.
DeleteI have to admit that I felt a little bit hypocritical writing this after what I had written to you, but I just had to purge and write what I was feeling at the moment. I have thought about those words, and I have not cut. Sometimes it's just so hard to think reasonably.
To be honest I too felt like a hypocrite commenting this way on here given how I have been feeling... but I know that there will be better times for everyone again.
DeletePlease take care.
Thank you Juliet (it's you, right?). I suppose it's OK to try to lift someone else up even if we ourselves are feeling low. That in itself can sometimes help us come out of our own darkness.
DeleteIt is her. Her first blog was called Always Allegoric, then she changed and got a new one being Hope On The Boundary.
DeleteI also extend my love and hugs to you. Be kind to yourself darling. Please
Thank you for sharing the history. This was before I came along. Thanks also for the hugs...much needed. I have managed to keep from hurting myself. The support I have gotten on this blog has been very helpful. Thanks again for coming by...and just for caring :)
DeleteI see MMS was faster than me ;)
DeleteIt's good to read that you didn't hurt yourself. Well done. You can (and should) be proud of yourself for not doing it. I can just speak for myself but it makes me happy that you didn't self-harm. xx
Thanks Juliet. I'm happy that I have been able to just carry on with Christmas!
Delete