...So continuing to empty out the trash. Please do not read this if you want to maintain your Christmas spirit. I am writing this so that I don't have to tell people who are walking around doing their Christmas shopping and joyfully humming Christmas tunes. I don't want to bring them down, because I know how they feel...I am usually that person...not that I would actually tell people any of this.
I do, however, feel like Debbie Downer, like the dark cloud eclipsing the glitter of the holiday lights. I make myself sick. I don't want to feel this poisonous, so I'm writing it down. I'm hoping that by doing so, I can somehow lift my mood.
You see, I am feeing really low. Seriously, I am trying to figure out a way that I can end my despicable life without hurting my kids. Impossible right? I know. This is why I write...to get all this garbage out.
So then there's the cutting...the other alternative...not an option, right? Well, yes, at this point it seems like the lesser of two evils...but my son will be home for Christmas...can't wait to see him. I would hate to have to deal with fresh cuts on my wrists.
So all that's left is what? Pain, anger, sadness, feeling trapped, crying at the drop of a hat...no comfort zone.
...despair.
I'm usually the miserable one at Christmas and tend to stay out everyone's way. This is a tough time you're going through. I'm hoping it might pick up for you the closer you get to Christmas. I know your son will help brighten everything up. Are you still going through therapy?
ReplyDeleteYes, I am hoping that my son's visit will be a good distraction from all that has been going on around here. I have certainly refrained from hurting myself, because he will be here.
DeleteI am still in therapy...thank goodness. This road would truly be unbearable without having that "safe place".
Whenever I feel like this, I try to think of people who wouldn't want me to give up. And you even mention your son. If you feel like you can't make it for yourself, for your own sake, try focusing on your son maybe. Please take care.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is thank God for my kids. They have saved my life so many times and in so many ways...and they don't even know they have done it.
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