Tonight I sit here in my desperate pain and gutting loneliness. I let my guard down for just a minute and it burned me. It hurts...something just hurts to the core, and I feel like a fool.
I lose. I lose no matter what. There is no fairy tale and no happy ending. I loose. Tonight I want to sleep and not wake up. Death take me. I can imagine them without me.
A knife would suit me now...a good sharp blade...sharp enough to draw tears. I would make deep and long cuts and cry the bitterness out. Fast and furious...the pain would take me to another atmosphere. I would cut until I drop with exhaustion.
...and then I would pray for death to take me.
Do you need to see your therapist?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry things are feeling so bad at the moment. There is an end to this, its just that you can't see it at the moment, but things will improve. It might take a little while, maybe even longer, but one day you will rise above this
ReplyDeleteYou are so kind, Cat. I appreciate your encouragement, as it is so difficult for me to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I know enough to know that life is not defined by the way we feel at one moment in time, but these feelings are so strong that I am having a hard time believing otherwise.
DeleteI am so sorry that you are struggling this much right now. I know there is not much that can be said right now, but what few words I can offer are that you should always keep hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Hope that your children will have beautiful futures. Hope that the are happy in their home with their wonderful mother, which I am sure they are.
ReplyDeleteStay strong Rising. Like your name, though you may be down now, you will Rise again. MMS
Thank you MMS. It's good to read such encouraging words. The children are definitely a beacon for me, but some days and some nights are so dark that it is difficult for me to see that light guiding me home.
DeleteI took on this name because, when I started this blog, I imagined myself healing and rising out of the hurt and the darkness. I love being referred to as "Rising", and I will continue to remember the meaning that this name has for me. Thanks for the reminder.