- Pay the bill
- Don't hurt him
So why did I want to hit the therapist today at EMDR? What the fuck? I don't know where I went today, but I had feelings that I did not have words for. So when he asked what I saw, I did not know how to answer...I was just feeling...strange things...and sometimes I wanted to push his hand away. I could not stand to see it in front of my face. And because, it kept coming back, I wanted to hit his hand away from me. Was it because it was a male hand? I have no idea! In over ten years that I have known this man, I have never had this kind of reaction.
I was so angry, it was frightening. I found myself breathing like a child would breathe when sobbing...because she can't get her words out, and no one understands her or even wants to listen.
What the fuck? How do I go to work now? In forty-five minutes I have to be in charge. People's medicines have to be correct. There is no margin for error in my field. I have to face the public and exude confidence, knowledge and professionalism. Are you kidding me?
...and I can't hit people at work either.
Maybe beating up a pillow will do? ;)
ReplyDeleteI know it's a stupid suggestion though. I find anger really hard to manage also but then again, I guess expressing it can be helpful for some people. I hope you have calmed down again and that you managed work.
Not stupid at all, Grace. It's been known to happen. I guess anger is the one emotion I was least permitted to express, so as an adult, sometimes it's difficult to even recognize.
DeleteI managed to make it through work, thank you...maybe a little quieter that usual and maybe a little impatient by the end of the evening, but I didn't bite anybody's head off, so I'll call it a good day.
Thanks for coming by. I hope you are feeling better :)
I’m quite weird where anger is concerned (and a lot of other things!). I find it very difficult to express anger and usually end up a quivering wreck.
ReplyDeleteTherapy can bring a lot of our anger to the surface. Maybe it was about a male hand or something else, but I would think most people develop intense anger for the person who is kinda orchestrating the journey to healing….if that makes sense…?
I hope you manage to get through work
Thanks for your comment, Cat. I still have no idea what triggered this reaction from me. I am reluctant to say that I was angry at my therapist. It just did not feel that way (but maybe I'm in denial). In fact, when I wanted to hit his hand, I did not really associate it with him. As frightening as it is to admit this, I think it was my stepfather who I wanted to hit and push away from me. I'm just glad I didn't lose control and actually hit him!
DeletePerhaps your therapist knows not to take it personally . . .
ReplyDeleteOh, I hope not. I'm still trying to figure out where this came from. Certainly, it's not really him I want to hit!
DeleteThis hand reminding you of the stepfather sounds very plausible – I suffer a lot from displaced anger and this is very possible in your sessions.
ReplyDeleteYou should feel proud and encouraged by your honesty and insight… it will carry you through the therapy
Thank you. I find that if I am not honest in therapy (and in my blog), then the purpose is lost.
ReplyDeleteI find walls are a good outlet, but technically that is self harm. Physical exertion is a good idea but time consuming. You know how my temper flares and my anger problems. I hope your buttons don't get pushed like this again.
ReplyDeleteThank you MMS. No, I guess punching walls would not be a good example for the children.
DeleteI was able to painfully get to the root of this, but it is still not a sensation I wish to experience again.