Progress

Today I got a much needed break from EMDR. In fact, I had sort of planned to take this week off from that so that I could have all the emotional energy that I needed for back-to-school week.

Today I needed a place to exhale and take a reprieve, and I did. One of the topics we discussed was the way that I have been finding my voice in my everyday interactions. Yesterday's interaction with my husband was one such example. I expressed my sentiments to him perhaps at an inappropriate time, but nonetheless, I expressed myself. In the past, before engaging in such seemingly risky behavior, I would have weighed the consequences and decided whether I was up for dealing with them before I spoke up. Usually that meant that I did not speak up. I repressed. This time, I stopped for about two seconds to consider this and realized that the consequences would be more severe if I did not say anything...and we all know where that has led me.

The upside of this little joust, if there is one, is that we were able to discuss things further this morning...without the anger or the audience. I was really able to speak up, to express myself, to explain where the anger and shock originated. He was able to relay how clueless he was about...a lot. I was still amazed by the amnesia, but at least there was an explanation. He thank me (for educating him). I thanked him for allowing me the opportunity to express my opinion...and I did this without feeling that there would be any unpleasant consequences for using my voice. I did not need permission, and I was not afraid.

It's difficult to see yourself grow, but this I would call progress.