Can I Fall Apart?

Can I fall apart now?

I just dropped my older daughter off at her new school in Timbukfuckingtu. This is where her school is now because...I could go on about test scores, but that's just boring...she's really smart, and in our school district, that is where services are offered for really smart kids. Period.

I have been terribly busy, and I am exhausted now...but the year has just begun! I kept up with two school supply lists and managed to acquire every last item before the much acclaimed First Day of School. I attended camp day for new students at my older daughter's school. I have kept up with the schedules and instructions that were handed to us on that day. I have arranged my work schedule such that I could attend two separate school Open Houses on two separate days. I delivered the correct supplies to the correct classrooms at the correct school. Everything that needed to be labeled got labeled, book bags were ready and lunches were packed on time. The kids even got breakfast this morning.

In between all this, I found a new piano teacher at the music academy in our town (since we had to let go of the teacher we had for the last three years). I enrolled them, and we started piano lessons last week (first lesson for my little one). We re-enrolled in dance lessons, and obtained yet another list of dance shoes and leotards that we must still purchase.

So when I finally drove away from my daughter's school this morning with an empty van, I wanted to just fall apart. It started yesterday when I went to Open House at my baby's school. This is the Montessori school that my older one is leaving this year. This is the cradle that received her at the age of four when she was still reluctant to let go of my leg and explore the world of metal insets and sandpaper letters. It was in this same exact classroom with the same exact angel of a teacher that she learned that letters have sounds, and the sounds put together make words, and the words are in books, and books are what we read.

And so it started when we arrived at this familiar Children's House with two bags of brand new school supplies to deliver. As my daughters ran into the room straight onto the teacher's (my friend) loving embrace, I checked myself out at the door as a surge of unexpected tears flooded my eyes and spilled down my face. I could not stop this, but I could not walk into that room in that condition either. I composed myself, because I had to. This was not the occasion for this type of emotion. I did not understand where the tears were coming from. All I knew was that I was bringing one here, where I was used to bring two. But, my God! Hadn't I cried enough on her last day of school here? We had said our goodbyes to everyone then...but I guess there was something about reaching that doorway that brought it all back.

So back to this morning...Everyone was up and at 'em at the appropriate time, and we were out of the house on time. I had the kids in the van, while my husband followed a little while later in his car (he was headed for work after drop-off today). We spent a little bit of time with Baby in her classroom (no tears this time). We relished the easy parking lot and familiar process of this routine. She is in the same classroom and with the same teacher she had last year in Pre-K (Montessori style). She was confident and happy to be in familiar surroundings again. Then we were off on our "road trip" to Big Sister's school.

Traffic sucked, but we still had time to spare. While we waited for the classrooms to open, my husband came in the van and sat with us...and in this short ten minute interval, he managed to push my very fragile buttons! Let me explain how very precisely this dance of ours had to be choreographed. We have two kids to get to school at two separate locations. Busing is not an option. We each have to open different pharmacies on time. The good people of the community do not appreciate having to wait at the door (or the drive-through window) to pick up their kid's medicine on their way to work. We don't have the same schedule every day. Throughout the summer we (meaning I) managed to coordinate which days we could provide our own transportation, and which days we would need to carpool with friends. I was given the delicate task of arranging for help with carpooling. The carpooling was arranged, and I am going to take the liberty of patting myself on the back for how gracefully this was handled. So everything was set to go. I spoke with our friends last week and let them know which days this week we would need their help with transportation. First Day of School here we go!

So why then during this short and crucial ten minute interval did he have to announce, "Oh, I plan to take her to school every day. We don't need help with carpooling. I thought that was just in case of an emergency." Are you fucking kidding me?!! First of all, the reason why I (not he) had to ask for help with transportation was because he said it would be impossible for him to get to work on time if he could not drop off before 8:30. He was adamant about this. He had said that there was no way she could attend this school if we did not have help from someone. So where the fuck did that come from?!! Did he loose his mind precisely at this moment? So yes, I lost my cool right there and then. You see, I needed him to be my support and my partner at that point. I did not need someone to rock my overwhelming world ten minutes before I was to walk my daughter into her scary new school. I was furious that he would play this all too familiar amnesia game at exactly the wrong time. I have been doing everything in my power to keep things smooth and organized, and I needed him to hold up his end of the deal also - mainly to remember what we agreed on and not decide to rearrange all the arrangements on a whim at the last minute! And then deny that he had anything to do with this agreement! So in front of our daughter I displayed my shock and anger that he would pull this one on me now, while he took the high road saying that this is unnecessary and not the time and place for it.

No, it wasn't the time or place for it, but shit, I had been keeping it together for so long. This was just the last straw. We managed to act civilized as we walked her into her classroom. I even introduced him to her homeroom teacher, whom I had met at Open House. We kissed goodbye (yes, we made the effort) and got into our separate vehicles. As we drove out and realized that it would take 30 minutes just to get out of the school, he called me to let me know that he was glad that we would have carpooling help on the days that he has to work, because there is no way he would make it to work on time at this rate. This is what we had agreed on this summer and the reason he had said that I should talk to our friends about it. Go fucking figure.

So is it any wonder that when I was finally finished with my responsibilities this morning I just wanted to fall apart? I just wanted to break down and cry. I don't want to keep it together or stay composed anymore. I wan to just cry and sob. This is the right time and place. I want to cry about everything...whatever that is...no one will know. I will just fall down at home and cry my heart out and then I will hold myself and love myself...until the afternoon and evening madness begins.