I thought I was emerging...recuperating...feeling better. I went out for a run this morning and could not make it. There are times when my sadness overwhelms me and sucks all the energy that I have. I remember being able to run through anger - the intense feelings fueling my body an filling me with speed and power. Sadness, however, seems to paralyze me...literally stop me in my tracks.
I know that running takes mental as well as physical strength. In the absence of one, it is difficult to go the distance. I suppose this is what happened to me this morning (and other times in the past). I regularly (and I use that word loosely) run 3.1 miles. This morning I made it through one mile with the thoughts in my head defeating me, pounding on me, and grinding me to the ground. I felt worthless, ugly and weak. Although, I counteracted by telling myself that I was strong and capable, the sadness won and I stopped at the one mile mark...just before the big uphill that I knew I did not have the resolve to conquer. I turned around and walked back home feeling angry and ashamed for not having accomplished something that I know my body is perfectly capable of doing.
I can explore the sadness and the feelings that betrayed my body, but I will not. I am afraid of what I may discover. I don't think that I can tell any more stories this week. I don't believe that I have the strength to go back there again.
Perhaps 'pampering' yourself would be a good alternative rhythm.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...a run and a bubblebath today :)
Deletea 'gentle' run. No stopwatch; no 'magic distance'; just 'easy does it'. Sounds so good, I think I will go for a walk. Can't run anymore, but I heard that 'it is solved by walking around'. The bubble bath part sounds like a good way to 'wash away' pain as well.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It was a good run today. I hope your walk was lovely as well. Bubble bath still pending :)
Delete6.5 miles. The 'self-righteous' feeling of accomplishment is intoxicating. 'Congratulations' on your achievement !
ReplyDeleteThank you! Congratulations to you also! 6.5 miles is quite a testament to endurance! I know what you mean about that "self-righteous feeling of accomplishment". I'm happy to say that I felt the same this morning upon finishing my run.
DeleteThe hard work you are doing on yourself is bound to take its toll from time to time. Sometimes we just need the time to draw breath
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. Sometimes I forget that, and it takes somebody reminding me. I have taken Anonymous' advice and am really enjoying a day of "pampering". This includes "pampering" my mind as well as my body.
DeleteIt is difficult when the body wants to but the mind doesn't. When you can refocus then try again. I love using my anger as a fuel. It is powerful.
ReplyDeleteI did just that this morning, and somehow being more gentle and forgiving on myself allowed me to go the full distance.
Delete