I can't name how I feel today. Therapy today was supposed to be EMDR, and it almost was, but then it wasn't. I knew that I was feeling down when I got there. In fact, I felt on the verge of tears. I was still hurting and upset from everything that I discovered and wrote about last week, but there was more...I just did not realize it until we started EMDR.
As soon as my therapist reminded me of the words and images that I was to hold on to while following his hand, I remembered. It was the word "accomplice" that triggered me. Hearing it immediately brought me back to the following blog post, which I read and commented on during the past few days.
http://mytravelswithdepression.wordpress.com/2013/08/09/child-or-predator/
In this post, fellow blogger Cat discusses the outcomes of a sexual abuse case where the abuser was given a lenient sentence based on the defense's description of the thirteen year old victim as “sexually experienced and predatory”. It is sickening.
I could not concentrate on EMDR. Rather, I kept thinking about this child and, of course my own experiences. Although initially I tried to follow it through EMDR, I found that I had to stop and just talk about the post. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to yell out, "Can you believe that this happened?!!! Just recently!!!" Somehow this girl found the courage, or the advocate, to bring this monster to a court, and she was further punished by being publicly called a predator! This day and age?!!!
I am so angry and so sad for this child...and for me. Part of what I struggle with today is that he dragged me into his guilt. He made me feel like an accomplice...like I too was at fault for what was going on "between us" (as he used to phrase it). What I didn't know then was that there was no "us". It was just him taking advantage of me. Would you believe this asshole used to actually "break up" with me? If I pissed him off for whatever reason, he used to say, "You and I are through!" Are you kidding me?! and I would think, great, it's all over, but then he would give me "the silent treatment" for a few days (or weeks) like he did with my Mom and then return.
My heart hurts so much right now. I was such a nice little girl. He should have been nice to me too. He should have cherished me and loved me as his own daughter. I was not bratty nor obnoxious. I was not loud or mean. I was sweet and trusting and loving. He had no reason not to love me like the innocent child that I was. I was open and accepting and obedient. I never said no. He should have protected me from other people. He should have been the one to make sure that my delicate mind and body remained untouched and intact. He should have been my shield against the brutal world. He could have chosen to keep me safe.
The last paragraph is particularly poignant and 'spot on'.
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DeleteThis was the paragraph that brought me to tears as I wrote it. These were thoughts that, not so long ago, used to begin with "why didn't he...?" instead of "he should have..."
Although he made you his accomplice it wasn't your fault. I hope you know that - the way you put it indicates you know it anyway.
ReplyDelete(But I also know that it's so hard to believe when someone has been abused. Somehow, victims tend to blame themselves and feel guilty. As you're rightly saying though there was no "Us" ... it was just him.) He sounds so creepy and twisted ... I'm just glad for you that this part of your life is over and that you're working through this xx
Thanks, Grace. Yes, "creepy and twisted" is correct! As a child, you don't know that this is not normal. I just always saw myself as a weird kid. Now I am trying to teach myself that I was not the "weird" one...HE WAS! He was the "creepy and twisted" one! But these things are so hard to internalize, as I know you are aware. I know this cognitively, but believing it with my whole being is taking me some time...but I am doing it...little by little...and the writing helps a lot.
Delete“Creepy and twisted” are nice words for this despicable creature. What you wrote here made me feel sick to the stomach because I have also been there and know the self-blaming is a hard one to break. It’s weird, we know we are not to blame, but we still harbour some guilt.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like that “predatory” case in the news is playing on both our minds, and probably for very similar reasons. What I have been learning recently is that, yes, children do become sexually aware much earlier than I expected. If a child experiences sexual abuse, it can sexualise their little lives and leave them vulnerable to twisted predators. The adult has the choice to either nurture or abuse.
I grew up believing – until I was 15yrs old - that every child had violent punishment at home and that most children have secret sexual experiences with adults. At the time, I didn’t question whether it was normal or abnormal, it just was.
I hope you can eventually find peace by believing in your last paragraph – the beast is the predator!
Yes, self-blaming is definitely hard to break out of. I can't understand why it is so difficult to truly believe the words "IT WASN'T MY FAULT".
ReplyDeleteWe do harbor guilt, and it turns into self-hate and sometimes self-harm. I am there this week...so down on myself that I can't seem to get my thoughts together enough to write a post about it, which is what is usually helpful for me.
I am sorry about the way things were for you growing up. As children, we do tend to believe that what we are growing up with is the norm. How would we know otherwise? I remember being in my early 20's when someone explained to me the term "dysfunctional family". I was at first perplexed, thinking how could a family not function? Later I realized that, indeed, there had been something wrong with the dynamics in my family.
I am having a tough time writing and expressing the dark feelings and thoughts that I am currently experiencing, but I am re-reading just the last paragraph of this post and hoping to gather some strength from that. I know that when I wrote it, it was really my inner little girl talking, so I will try to listen to the words that she is saying and somehow find a way to integrate the two of us.
It is odd you should mention dysfunctional families. It was only last years when I realised that my own family fall into that category. Both my parents were also from dysfunctional families
ReplyDeleteI understand how you are feeling. I’m a bit like that at the moment. Writing helps, so I look forward to your next post. Hope you’re bearing up RS
Thank you Cat. I hope you will feel better soon also. For now, I think I need to rest.
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