"Speak up.", he said.
Well, that is not exactly how he said it, but my therapist has asked that I speak loudly during my EMDR sessions, not for his benefit, but for mine...easy for him to say!
What has been happening is that during therapy, my voice usually gets very low and soft. The more painful the subject matter is, the less audible I become. After an interval of following his hand with my eyes, while recalling memories and sensations, my therapist asks me to say what I notice. I respond...when I can...but I can barely get the words out. Sometimes they are a whisper...sometimes a low mumble...sometimes I cannot open my mouth.
He has explained to me that he believes my hesitation to speak up and speak out stems from the very point that we are working on: "He told me not to speak" - my stepfather's warning to keep my mouth shut. Consequently, he has asked that as part of my therapy I try to speak in a loud voice when I respond, in an effort to conquer the very thing that seems to be keeping me almost mute.
...Right...easy for him to say...
So when he asked, I silently nodded my head yes, and thought, "Are you serious? How can I explain that this is the best I can do? It feels physically impossible for me to relay these images in a voice any louder than what you hear. I want to try, believe me, but simply put, I open my mouth...when I can...and this is what comes out!"
Here is the contrast to that. Ever since he brought this up, I have been purposefully aware of what my voice is like in other situations.
It is a known fact that my kids cannot always hear me during regular conversation. They have often said, "Mom, you really need to start speaking louder." This week I responded, "I'm working on it, I really am!"...little do they know.
At work my voice is usually clear and deliberate. I enunciate. My work is fast paced and precise, so when I give directions I need them to be understood and followed with minimal repetition. Again, I speak clearly and deliberately.
When speaking with patients with diminished hearing, I allow them to look at my face when I speak. I have learned that we all read lips when we listen. It's just that some of us rely on it more than others.
After paying attention to they way I speak at work, I am lead to believe that "speaking up" is not so physically impossible for me. I am obviously capable of speaking in a voice that is audible, clear, and understandable. The question is how to transport this voice to my EMDR sessions How do I conquer the pain enough to speak with the confidence and strength that I speak with at work?
Perhaps the assimilation of being "safe" may have a correlation with
ReplyDelete'volume'. I.e., the more you know you are 'safe' to speak, the less the volume will be a factor ?
This makes a lot of sense to me. I have gone to some very scary places in EMDR, and although I "know" that I am safe, I don't always "feel" like I am.
DeleteI suppose this will be gradual, like everything else that I do, but it would be nice to have an audible voice...to not be afraid to say it out loud!
'speaking up' or 'speaking out' might be a way to mute (not same as 'suppress') his command. Not particularly 'eloquent', but your 'volume' might be a way of telling him to 'shut up and be gone!'
ReplyDeleteI will have to roll that one around in my head several times before I feel comfortable with the idea. In the meantime, the thought of it is frightening. Somehow I feel agitated just by reading it.
DeleteKnowing a little of what you might talk about in therapy, I completely understand this issue with your voice. I do appreciate why the Therapist would raise the issue, but I’m not sure how I might feel about it. You can only do what you feel comfortable with. Perhaps clearer enunciation during sessions will come in time. Trying to force it might not be constructive. Do you still have some sessions left?
ReplyDeleteYes, I have as many sessions as I would like left. Fortunately, my EMDR therapist is the same therapist with whom I have been working (on and off) for a little over ten years (EMDR started just this year). We have built an incredibly trusting relationship, and frankly, I could never do this with anyone else (see "You Raise Me Up").
DeleteI definitely think that this is going to take some time, but I will certainly be making an effort. As Anonymous commented, the more I am able to feel that it is "safe" to speak, the easier it will be to actually speak up.
I guess I just want my therapist to know that I am trying, and sometimes it's just as good as it gets. I know he would understand these things if I told him. He is very patient with me and reiterates that there is no time limit to my EMDR work. Sometimes, it's just baby steps for me.
Yes, you can only do your best. If we want to move forward in therapy, I suppose we do need to push ourselves...
ReplyDelete...but like you said, without "forcing" things...I suppose there is a fine line.
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