Recently, I saw the movie Planes with my daughters and my husband. It is the animated story of how a country dust cropper makes it to an international race against other airplanes that were truly built to soar at high speeds. Disney style and in keeping with its predecessor Cars, all the airplanes have voices, faces and colorful personalities. It was an evening well spent, and we all enjoyed the movie.
I had forgotten how much I like airplanes - their magnificence and beauty, their liveries and sleek lines, and of course, their grace in flight.
My stepfather worked for a very large airline company. We flew everywhere. I did not know what a "road trip" was until I had my own children.
I have pleasant memories of traveling as a family to the airport. There was a place near one of the runways where people could park their cars and watch airplanes take off. Other than going to the beach, this was one of our favorite pass-times as a family. What a thrill! I loved every minute of it! I loved the deafening power that those beautiful machines exerted in order to take flight, which then gave way to unspeakable elegance once airborne.
There were times when he took us to the hangar and showed us airplanes under repair. He explained the functions of some of the parts and how they would come to need repairs. While my siblings mostly enjoyed the visuals of this tour, I relished the didactics.
Once, we toured an Airbus! The thing was two stories inside!
Needless to say, I recall these family field trips fondly. I still like airplanes...I still stand in awe of an aircraft on a runway just as it takes flight...a military flyover still moves me to tears.
...So is this allowed? How can I have fond memories of him who damaged me so deeply? This is so conflicting, and it brings guilt to another level. I feel guilty for having memories of enjoyable times with him. Yet, these were the times when he was truly being a father...and we were happy. He occasionally had these moments.
It is not the memory itself that I find troublesome. It is the dichotomy between my rage for what will never be excused and the tenderness with which I recall these moments.
The last few days, I have been unable to blog because of exactly what you have written here. I do not seem able to describe the impact of these conflicting emotions. I don’t know about you, but these sort of “good memories” make me doubt and blame myself even more…”maybe it wasn’t that bad after all…” and “Perhaps I deserved it…drove them to violence..” are two of the most conflicting messages that have lingered with me for years.
ReplyDeleteToday I was reading about Cognitive Dissonance. Is this something you are aware of? It is helping me make some sense of my own conflicting views.
It’s a long tough road, RS, but you ARE moving forward…
The word "accomplice" comes back into the picture for me. My thoughts are, "Well, if you really felt that bad about it, why do you have these happy memories of him? Surely, you must have liked some part of it?" And then I am filled with disgust...at him...at myself...I don't really know.
DeleteTruthfully, I was not going to write this post, precisely because I could not really decipher these opposing emotions that I was feeling. Because it had occupied enough of my mind, I decided to just start writing and see what comes of it. The thoughts unraveled as I wrote.
I am not familiar with the term "cognitive dissonance", but I will be sure to research it.
Thank you for your support, Cat. This is another one of those situations where I felt like I was the only one who felt this way. It's good to know that I am not alone and that I will not have to feel this way forever.
Tonight I have been struggling with writing a post because of all this self-blame crap we put on ourselves. The word accomplice also futures heavily in my own sexual abuse experiences, so I can appreciate partly what you are saying. I also feel mixed up about having good times with my parents. I’m afraid to allow myself to remember those times in case I blame myself even more.
DeleteWe cannot be too tough on ourselves. We were brainwashed into believing that we were to blame. I suppose the happy times are allowed and maybe we should learn to treasure those memories, along with the newfound belief that we are not to blame and neither were we ever accomplices.
I agree, These are not the memories that we need to be suppressing, although they appear to be as difficult to remember as the painful ones. I suppose these are the ones that tell us that everything wasn't always terrible growing up. Somewhere along the line, we were worthy of these good times.
DeleteI hope the second paragraph of your comment has helped you to sort out your own struggle and that you may be able to voice things out with your writing.
Really tough emotions but perfectly normal. My best childhood friend was sexually abused by her step father and she has expressed these exact sentiments to me many times. Be kind to yourself, and yes, these emotions are allowed. I believe you have to work through these tough emotions in order to heal. Lots of love to you.
ReplyDeleteGrief Happens
http://griefhappens.wordpress.com/
Thank you GH. I needed to hear that this is normal. As I wrote in reply to Cat's comment, I thought I was the only one who felt this way, and so I felt isolated and somewhat ashamed of it.
DeleteI'm really glad that I wrote this post (although I had planned not to). I needed to know that other people feel this way too, and it's just part of the process.
Thanks for reading :)