I can't put my finger on exactly what has been keeping me from writing. Maybe fear...that if I write about it, it will happen. Yes, I've had cutting on my mind. I simply have not been feeling really great about myself, and I hate that this is still my little go-to comfort zone. I've tried ignoring it, pushing the thoughts away, various distractions...a day at the water park with the kids chaperoning the camp field trip. Yes, this was major (and incredibly fun!). Knowing that this day was upcoming was pretty effective at keeping me from hurting myself. After my experience with my sister at the beach this summer, I knew better.
...But that was Friday. What now? The weather has turned chilly, and I've donned my long sleeves. It would be so easy now. So what is it that draws me? What is my attraction to little silver blades?
The blame...the sickening feeling that I allowed things to happen...a disgusting feeling in general...an overwhelming need to erase him, to cut him out of me. If I bleed enough, could I wash him out of me?
Is it another expression of 'blame the victim' who was 'conditioned' to believe that she had tacitly given consent? On the other hand, there is strong TRUTH in knowing 'there was no us'.
ReplyDeleteSounds like he is being gradually erased through other modes.
'Stay strong' !!
I find myself repeating the words "there was no us" in my mind. I know that this is true, but why can I not feel it? All I feel is that familiar disgust, and my heart on the verge of tears.
DeleteI really do not know much about self-harm but I do liken it a lot to self-destruction, which I have a huge issue with. Of course, they are coping mechanisms, albeit not very constructive ones, but they seem to be an outlet for our pain and sorrow
ReplyDeleteAs you’re already aware, I know a lot about “I allowed it to happen”. I used to feel incredibly guilty – and dirty – for allowing my own situation to happen. I do not feel the guilt as much as I used too, just a general awareness of the facts, which never will go away. Yes, I may well have allowed things to happen, but I was a screwed up kid who did not know any better. I was the minor, he the adult. Maybe I found peace in those facts. We can never change what went on, but we work towards changing how we view/feel about the situation through our on-going therapy.
"Dirty" and "disgusting" are big in my repertoire. Although I am not feeling well at this moment, I will take your words with me ("We can never change what went on, but we work towards changing how we view/feel about the situation through our on-going therapy.") as I continue my journey of healing.
DeleteThank you for your encouragement.
It wasn't your fault. You were the kid and you were not responsible for what he did.
ReplyDeleteIf we talked about another girl that experienced your story, you wouldn't blame her either, right?
Or think about the newspaper story you and Cat wrote about... where the victim was blamed although it wasn't her fault...
Try to be kind to yourself, RS. You're in my thoughts xx
Thank you, Grace. You are indeed the "voice of reason". You are absolutely right; if someone else wrote this post, I would be telling them exactly what you are telling me. Is it a double standard? or is it just that hard to internalize this absolution?
DeleteI hear it, but I don't feel it. However, I keep repeating these words to myself. Perhaps if I hear them enough times, I will come to truly believe them. Thank you for saying it one more time.