My days are so painful. I don't know how to describe this anxiety, despair, sadness. Being with people is exhausting. I am tired of "keeping it together", yet I am afraid to remember what I saw in EMDR this week. I guess it's not so much what I saw, but what I felt. Overwhelming shame...I could not speak my words louder than a whisper. Then, there was that feeling that I cannot name...the one that made me turn my face away, close my eyes and rest - escape to an empty reality...and the longer I kept my eyes closed, the farther I seemed to float away with the numbness...but it felt so restful.
I cannot speak of suicide in EMDR. I found myself walking alone in the dark night as a teenager...wanting to kill myself. These were words that I could not verbalize, and when asked, I simply replied, "I can't say it."
I can't say it...I can't say it...I don't know why I can't say it. I am afraid the feelings might come true.
And then there were the physical sensations. What the hell was that?? The feeling on my wrists like I was cutting. The sensation that someone was touching my vagina. Uggh! I don't even know what to call that. Does this happen in EMDR? Does anybody know? This must have been when I turned my face away, for these are words that I cannot speak aloud. They are shameful...shameful...the shame of cutting...and the shame of his fingers in me. Uggh!! That's what I felt during EMDR...his fingers in me!!!
Oh God, I want to push his hand away from me. I want him out of me! Get him out of me! I want to push him and hit him...I want to hit his hand away from me.
Oh fuck...I just want to cry. This hurts so much. I want to cut. I want it to hurt and sting. I feel so dirty...like he is still in me. I shut my eyes very tight, but there is nothing that erases him. Damn him! Will he ever disappear?
I hurt...I want to cut...I am afraid....I need my therapist.
Now I realise why you had an urge to push your Therapists hand away. As you know, I am only just becoming aware of my own shame and humiliation. I cannot offer any advice but can assure you that I completely understand and hope I can continue to share this journey.
ReplyDeleteThere is no certainty WHEN he will disappear, but all this hard work will definitely bring you everlasting healing.
DeleteThank you, Cat. I appreciate you walking with me. I can't tell you how much that means to me.
This was very difficult to write, and I cannot really re-read it...it still hurts. I made the realization about my therapist's hand while I was writing it, and I think it's why I got so upset at the end. But I suppose this is why we write...it helps us to continue processing things and make connections.
This is why I do this exhausting work...for the hope of "everlasting healing".
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this awful and I hope you could talk to your therapist.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you can't / couldn't say it you still managed communicating it here, which is better than just keeping it for yourself (imo) because it helps you to work through this, no matter how hard it is.
I totally agree with Cat too: There will be results of your hard work and even though it's so terrible right now, it'll pass.
Take care xx
DeleteThanks for your encouragement, Grace. Your words help me to get up and carry on. You remind me of what my therapist tells me after EMDR, "All these feelings will be transient." It's just hard to go through them.
As painful as it may be, however, I am glad that I am writing all this down instead of keeping it in. I can't imagine the damage all this garbage would cause inside of me.
So very glad that you have this blog to diffuse the pain. "Vomiting" is unpleasant beyond words. Keep in mind the ultimate outcome of relief . Sorry the journey is so hurtful.
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DeleteThank you. It just hurts this week...a lot. I too am so glad that I can write about it. I cannot re-read my posts, but I can continue writing and continue telling this ugly story.
There is an adage you likely have heard : "The first step in getting well is to tell ourself the truth."
ReplyDelete
DeleteThat sounds like a good start. And by writing it, am I admitting the truth to myself?
There are so many things in my life that cause me shame--things from the past, things from the present, even--that make me feel worthless, fucked-up, immoral. Most of the time, I'm able to keep the horrible, uncomfortable feelings at bay. Unfortunately, they usually all come rushing back when I'm pmsing, like some huge, uncontrollable wave that knocks me completely over. Then I fall into a deep, dark depression clouded by such a state of self-loathing, it scares me.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time I'm able to get back to functioning "normally" (whatever that means), but those feelings of unworthiness and shame never go away. They just hide for a while, like a dormant virus. I guess I thought all this angst would magically disappear one day, that the older I got, the better it would become. Not so.
I now realize I need to make a conscious choice to rid myself of the demons. I need to stop telling myself over and over again what a worthless piece of shit I am, a dirty, unlovable creature, etc.,etc.
I'm sick of feeling this way. It was comfortable before, for whatever reason, or maybe habit--that unending dialogue loop that plays in my mind. A therapist once asked me, "How does your depression serve you?" I'm still not sure, but I know I am finally tired of it.
My mom sent me this today. It may help you; it may not. Oprah and Deepak are doing a 21-day Meditation Challenge. I don't meditate, but I can try to focus on these words and see whether they help.
"Make it your practice for today to cultivate self-awareness and self-love. No matter how much you have suffered, your soul sees you as whole. When you feel out of balance, anxious, or alone, pause for a moment and take a deep breath. In the quiet moment of a pause you can assess the gentle refuge of your heart. Take a few moments to close your eyes and sit quietly, feeling your heart as a soft, warm enclosure. Let your attention settle there and rest as long as you wish."
Thank you for sharing this exercise with me. I don't meditate either, but this sounds like the kind of moment that may relieve anxiety and just overall bring peace.
DeleteI am sorry that you have been going through these feeling of shame and worthlessness. What you said about these things hiding "like a dormant virus" is true...until someone can help you rid yourself of them for once and for all...or as Cat phrased it - "everlasting healing".
I don't know how feasible this is for you, or if you would even consider it, but therapy has really brought me a long way. Yes, I still have a lot of work to do, and I may even have a long road ahead of me, but when I look back to where I was when I started, I can see tremendous improvement, especially where depression is concerned.
It seems to me that you deserve to live life to the fullest (like everyone else). I am sorry that this crappy "virus" is robbing you of so much joy.
I send you my love and hugs. It seems to be a hard time all round but you are particularly struggling. I'm so sorry and I hope you are feeling better soon.
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DeleteThanks for the love and hugs...greatly needed :) I am feeling better tonight, but it was certainly a difficult week.
It's good seeing you around again. I hope all is well with you.
These sensations are so frightening, I'm so sorry to read your distress, you describe it so well, so elequently. I don't know anything about EMDR but I know what body memories are, what they feel like and their repercussions that ripple outwards. It may sound mad, but I think if you need to cut you need to cut. If it keeps you away from suicide, if it's controlled and is the lesser pain.....for now anyway, one thing at a time. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. EMDR is a type of intensive therapy for PTSD involving recalling of painful memories while following a visual stimulation. There is a more complete explanation on the following link:
Deletehttp://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr/what-is-emdr.html
I imagine that I had felt body memories before, but never as severe as what I experienced during this particular EMDR session. I was absolutely sickened while at the same time frightened by it. It is good to run into someone who may have some understanding of it.
What you say about the cutting sounds logical, although I am usually not suicidal when I want to cut. It is a release for my anger, sadness, shame or whatever crappy feelings I might be having at the moment. It is a pathological coping mechanism.
One thing at a time...one day at a time is right. Lately, it is all I have been able to do.
Thank you for reading and for your lovely comment. Perhaps I will see you around here again.