This is going to be a "just venting" type of post. I apologize in advance if it sounds whiny or petty. I just want to get this out, so that I don't go around brooding about it.
Yesterday, my husband and I went to couples/marriage counseling. We started out in the usual manner for us - deflecting by talking about the kids instead of us. The counselor redirected to bring the focus back to us, but after about ten minutes updating her on our status, we returned to the kids. The truth is that our counselor is a family therapist, and she happens to be very helpful when it comes to pointers and insights with regards to parenting. We like this about her.
What I do not like about her is what occurred during the session yesterday. In the course of discussing a behavior pattern of our daughter (typical of her age group), she asked my husband the question, "What are you thinking while she is doing this?" I thought this was a really good question in that knowing what was going through his mind would help to explain his reaction to the behavior and allow for discussion of more effective ways of approaching the situation.
As I listened to his response, I waited patiently for her to ask me the same question. After all, I am a parent of the same child and we had both expressed the same concern about handling this behavior.
...she never asked me. In fact, she continued the discussion solely with my husband, facing only him. I wanted to wave frantically from my chair and say, "HELLO! There are three of us in the room!" Except that I did not get an opportunity to speak until we were well into a different topic.
I was shocked. I felt ignored and disregarded. My opinion did not count, and I was unimportant.
Is this normal? Is it the nature of the beast in couples counseling? Is it inevitable that one party would feel left out occasionally? Is doesn't seem right to me. Maybe I am overly sensitive about this. Perhaps I have issues with being ignored (does anybody here like to be ignored?). I know that after so many years of being silent, I certainly have a need for my voice to be heard. I think that I was feeling way too much like the little girl who is not allowed to speak, and I was becoming increasingly angry about it.
At the end of it, all I wanted was for her to physically turn around and ask me the same question, so that we could discuss better ways in which I could approach the issue also. After all, we are two parents, and I'm not any more perfect than my husband is.
Well...just venting...I'm fine now...thanks for listening.
What do you think would have happened had you taken the initiative and spoken your frustration and anger at the moment?
ReplyDeleteI would have really wanted to do that, but I truly felt like I could not get a word in. The dynamics were very exclusive.
DeleteI think that if I would have had the opportunity to say something, she may have possibly stopped and asked what my thoughts on the topic were. I would have still been annoyed, but at least I would have been able to be part of that particular discussion.
Do you feel you need "permission" to be included?
ReplyDeleteI don't think of it so much as asking for "permission". I am not usually an "interrupting" kind of person, so I tend to wait until there is a break in the conversation or a sign in body language that says it's OK before I interject. Neither of these happened that day.
DeleteI don't know. I guess I should leave my manners by the wayside when I go to marriage counseling??
Funny, usually in couples therapy the man always feels like he's being ganged up on by the women. Maybe the therapist thought your husband needed more help in dealing with the problem? Although she should have ultimately brought the issue around to how it was affecting you both as a couple.
ReplyDeleteBottom line is since you're paying HER, speak up next time? Or find a different therapist.
That's what my husband said when we talked about it afterwards (that she thought he needed more help with the issue). He was also surprised and said that he had been looking forward to hearing what I had to say about the topic.
DeleteBelieve me, if I had felt like I had the opportunity, I would have spoken up and she would have realized that I needed as much help with the matter as he did!
Well that seems a little odd. If it happens more then perhaps bring it up or maybe switch therapist. Love sbg hugs from across the pond xx
ReplyDeleteThanks MMS. Hugs back at you :)
DeleteI guess if it happens again, I'll just have to be rude, interrupt, and speak my mind!
What if doing that is not "rude" ? Maybe 'rude' is what was happening to you?
ReplyDeleteYou might have a point there.
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