Part of my time on vacation was spent catching up with my sister and her family.
I had yearned for this time with her, with this woman...this girl...who knows me better than my mother does. The girl with whom I roomed as a child. She who stayed up with me late into the night on the last day of every summer vacation discussing our excitement over what the next day and the new school year would bring.
This is my little sister. The one who tells people that she was so lucky to have grown up with me as a big sister. She says that I was never bossy or mean...always kind...always patient.
...and how could I not be? She was my gateway to the world...my link to the other kids. You see, she was the outgoing one. She started conversations, while I was afraid to speak. She made friends and introduced me to her circle. She effortlessly laid the social groundwork for me. Without her, I was just an invisible little girl, anxious to be included.
Last week we shared a beach house and restorative time at the ocean. As we prepared a meal together, she noticed an impudent cut mark thoughtlessly slipping out from under my watch. She asked, "What did you do to yourself there?" It was the wording that unsettled me. She did not ask, "What happened to you there?" She asked what I had done...as if she knew...suspected...whatever. You must know that I have never told her about my cutting. In fact, during the majority of my periods of self harm we have lived in different states...she has never been close enough to notice.
...but she asked...and what could I do except lie?
"A paper cut", I said.
"Right there?"
"Yes, from folding the labels at work...it's the way that I hold them."
How lame...but how could I tell her the truth? She is my little sister, and yes I still feel like I should protect her. What would she think? She would be so hurt. My pain would be her pain, and I cannot lay that burden upon her.
She may or may not have believed me. She was kind enough to drop the subject. I was not the same, however. I was angry at myself for not being more careful concealing my cuts and angry, of course for having indulged in the act in the first place.
I wish I could say I'd do differently, but I don't think I would have. It is only when someone confronts me directly with a pointed question do I divulge the truth about any number of my demons. Whenever anyone asks me what I take medication for, I never know what to say. It's not for one thing only. And I doubt they truly want to know.
ReplyDeleteYour sister may have been fishing, it's true--inviting you to talk about it. Maybe she can't ask you directly. But it's so difficult to open up about past pain--esp. to someone who loves you and may or may not understand it.
I think the hardest part about that exchange was not being able to tell the truth to the one family member with whom I have been able to be the most open about most everything else...except for this. I wish I could share this with her, but she is just too close to me, and I know that her love for me is great (and vice-versa).
DeleteWhere would I begin? It was her father who sexually abused me. It is because of him that I cut in the first place. So do I tell her that? No way! I have no interest in causing her that type of pain.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing. I know what you mean about the medication questions. I don't take meds, but I don't even tell people that I go to therapy. I can just hear how that conversation would go (and anyway, it's none of their business, right?). Let's see, I go to therapy because...let me count the ways...
And you're right, they don't really want to know. Most of the time people are just nosy.
What did (does) she think of that monster? Is there any sense that you might be expressing your love for her by confiding . Does she ever speak of him? Please, no response here . . . just for your consideration.
ReplyDeleteThat's hard. The part of me that wants to encourage honesty and openness wants you to consider what would happen if you told her. Just reading your beautiful writing, I can see that you protect other people at the expense of yourself. I'm not telling you what to do, but just encouraging you to examine in your head the possibilities of putting down your burdens and confiding in others some of what you hold inside. I understand the struggle more than you know. Much love.
ReplyDeleteGrief Happens
http://griefhappens.wordpress.com/
I would like so much to just be able to lay it down and be rid of the burden, but the idea of it is incredibly frightening...for so many reasons.
DeleteYour words make so much sense...maybe one day.
I have a similar relationship with my sister. She does know a lot about my mental health issues but never the details. When we are vulnerable, it is usually better to share things with people who we know will understand. Some things are just too difficult for family members to accept. It can make our journey feel lonelier.
ReplyDeleteExactly! I sometimes feel that if I revealed certain things to some of my family members in an effort to reach out, I would have to minister to them (to alleviate the shock and what not) before they can minister to me.
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